Saturday, May 28, 2011

Sensitivity vs Sensibility

Almost six months ago, a simple statement in a chat stirred up a thought that has taught me a lot about myself. Discussing about something with a friend, she somehow said that I was "sensitive". First response was to deny it. It was like an allegation; a sin, that I just couldn't merely accept to have commited.

Then came the realizatiion phase, when I realized that there might be some truth in those words. Although, at first I thought it was just the way she (and maybe others) perceived me and had nothing to do with the 'real' me. But then came a fear. What if it were true ?

Some, at this point, some would wonder " why the fear ? " So did I. On the one hand, I knew that the friend had said that in good-will, meaning no insult or harm, but I could see it as nothing but a finger pointed at a weakness; a characteristic which meant my defences were low.

Why 'weakness'? Emotions have a huge affect on any person; and the 'sensitive' ones are even more vulnerable. Among these emotions, the one that I have come to fear the most is that of 'guilt'. It is one of the most powerful tools to ruin a man's life. It can make one insane. For the lack of examples from my own life, I relate to a great director's work. Christopher Nolan's movie "The Memento" is nothing but an example, as how a man is ready to lead himself to a life full of confusion and a false hope and target instead of realizing the truth that he himself caused the death of his wife. A similar idea is observed in the movie 'Shutter Island'.

Those two examples might not seem apt as they are both fictional and also revolve around extreme guilt (after all its about killing fellow human). But I wish to potray the power of 'guilt' from these examples. Having been a victim of this 'utterly powerful' emotion, I have to come fear it, and 'respect' it at the same time. At times, I realize that my actions are driven by the need to 'avoid' guilt at a later stage in life.

Coming back to how being sensitive could be weakness; it is quite possible in this 'wild world' that people (whom I call the wolves) realize these 'sensitive wounds' and exploit us. Another reason for fearing this 'trait' is that someone might unintentionally say or do something that might have lasting impact on you. These emotions turn out to be 'consuming'. These emotions can, in simple words, make you incapable of thinking logically and not just take a lot of time, but also worsen the situation by 'over-thinking'.

The one thing I fear the most is to develop, what I call it as, 'the fear of attachment' (maybe a milder version of this is what I have in mind ) . To this date, I have come to realize that nothing inspires more than the 'attachment'; be it with a person ; or an inanimate object (like my laptop ;-) ). This attachment, oftenly translated to love, has inspired many before us and will continue to do so. This feeling makes people strive for something. Now, 'the fear of attachment' is the term I use for the fear of creating such an attachment because of instances in the past. A person may suffer and may fear to be attached to anyone or anything if he has been betrayed, let down, denied by someone he was attached to. And if I am 'sensitive', then I am vulnerable to this.

Now, some might thoughtlessly say that a solution to this would be to be 'emotionless' and 'insensitive'. Not considering the effort in making such a transition, I would not want to be on that side of the fence either. Emotional response to 'anything' make it real. For example, success won't be as important or effective if we could not be 'exhilarated' by achieving it; failure wouldn't be feared if it doesn't cause me the pain. If there's nothing that makes me 'feel' happier, there would be nothing I'd do to obtain it. Life would be dull and boring, and ironically, I won't even know it is.

PS : Now some posts (like "Accept or Deny") would make more sense.