This is something that I had written earlier this year.

I see the dream drifting away from reach
And there is no one to blame but me.
The path that I walk is not the one that I planned
But, alas, there is no going back.

Still somewhere, deep within, a flame denies to go out.
The same voice that led me here, assures me;
"The paths will meet at least one more time
And offer a chance I deserve."

 

 

A Listener

At times I feel that I've been through a lot; when all the explanation and methods to motivate oneself fails; times when looking at those suffering even more doesn't help you think that you are better off; times when all I want to do is talk, talk my heart out.

At such times, all I seek is a "listener". Someone who would listen; listen to all that I have to say but not judge, not comment, not reason, not explain, not console, not argue ; but just listen and from time-to-time just nod or make a sign to show that there is still someone listening to me.

If only there was such a listener, I'd talk; talk about anything and everything in this world, in my life and in everyone else's life. From the big-bang theory to doomsday, from string theory to rocket science, from Genetics to Psychology to Computer Science, from friends to parents, from my heart to brain, my past to aspirations, from success to my regrets, from sense to non-sense; just about anything.

I don't know if that will help, but such moments are rare but definitely not short-lived. And when significant time has passed without such a listener, the desire seems to fade out, as if on losing hope to ever finding such a listener.

At some stages of this feeling, I wonder how easy it would be to get high; how good an excuse it would be to just let out your emotions and not be taken seriously; how good an excuse to just laugh, or cry, or scream, or shout. But what separates me from attaining it is just one simple promise, a promise to no-one else but myself, and that makes it harder.

Towards the end :: A Diary Entry

1:44 am

Why can't I revert back the arms of the clock? Why can't I correct my mistakes? Why is this world so harsh on me? WHY? WHY?

No one is here for me..No one answers me..no one cares for me...

What can I do? No marks, no grades, no hope....this life's a complete waste...What shall I do???WHAT??

I remember how happy I used to be as a kid. No worry about anything. Everyone used to care for me, everyone loved me and everyone forgave me for my mistakes. WHY can't the same happen now? Why can't people just ignore my past?

BUT there is one way!! I can RESTART..restart as a baby..grow up to be a child again and then not make the same mistakes again...
I'm sorry mom...sorry for making you so upset...sorry for being so rude, so inconsiderate....Mom, I'm sorry for not being a good son....In the next birth I would want to be your son once again and make you happy....make you proud.

I've decided to end this life..a life that has been ruined..a life that is no more worth living. . .. Before I leave this world, I apologize for my mistakes and ask for mercy...

1:50

As I walk towards the highest point in the area, I can see the sun rising. Oh what a beautiful sight!! But alas, the last one I'm going to see in this life! Birds glide over me with their wings spread apart...making an elegant dive over the pond and then skimming over the water... I wish I could fly away like the birds. I wish I could be one of them.....

I've reached the highest point, I stand at the edge. I look down...it surely will kill me...I close my eyes..Memories...mom and dad scolding me, my examination papers, my successful friends, face of one I love -- fragments of my ruined life...I must do it. This is the only way I can get away.

I take one step forward and let myself fall. . .The fall feels amazing, easier than I had imagined... Faces of friends and family flash through my shut eyes...my mom's face..so beautiful, so calming...I hold the image...I want to hold the image forever...but what is happening to her face, she's crying...why .. what happened mom? I hear her words, "Why son! Why did you leave me? Was I so harsh on you?" . .. no mom..its not your fault.. I want to see her, explain to her..and I don't want to make her cry....I want her happy...I want to make you proud mom... I DON'T WANT TO DIE... until now the fall was slow, but now I'm falling fast, very fast and I don't like it. I wish I could fly... .I flap my arms like wings but alas, I can't....Mom, I'm sorry...I really am....HELP ME ..


Newspaper Headline : Another student crumbles under pressure.


PS : Only a piece of fiction.

No clue why I wrote it and why I wanted to share it. But I know this isn't what I will ever do in my life. Hope others can say the same thing.

Searching for HOPE in RUINS

Does it pay to know? Does it ever pay to love what you do? Will practice ever prove its worth in my life?

None of the above questions is new, but the recurrence is traumatizing. These questions have come up over and over, probably since the time I was born. How many times have I been tested at something I love to do; love it much more than all others who are being tested as well. But who turns out to be more successful, not me, of course. I fail, very often, in proving my skill at what I love, and I despise this fact.

With such frequency, I would love to give up. Won't it be so easy? Or maybe just tune yourself to ignore the results of such assessments. But is the way out? Is this in some way an indication, that I'm not completely honest to what I love? Does it mean that I need to give much more time; does it mean that I haven't given n enough so far?

It seems I've failed in my effort to please someone I love, and the one who has, will now take over. I've failed despite my stronger affection; despite my appreciation of each and every thing to do with my love, while the winner doesn't and can't do the same.

But I can't lay my weapons, can I? Having come so far following my heart, I'll be nowhere if I just let go of the dream. So I'm forced to move on. All I hope, is that the love is not lost on the way, cause the only worse thing that can now happen to me is "Losing interest and still succeeding" (though that won't be success altogether).

All I want now, and will work towards, is to show my dedication to what I love and I'm sure, I'll get back all I need in return.

Fear of Failure

Some things happen in your life, definitely not the way you wanted them to be. But not directly or entirely your fault. And you are so scared of the outcome that you just wish that you never have to face the day that tests you or points out all your mistakes. You just wish you could be stuck in the preparation phase forever. Never getting to see the judgement day. But the fateful hands of a clock don’t stop. So what do you do. Do you ram into the situation with all you have or you give in. Give in to regret later. Though giving in sounds easier, it isn’t the best way out. Giving the best you have might sound one of those morals from fables, but it isn’t easy as well. It takes more than all you have to be able to give your best. One of the causes: our inability (unlike what most people want to think) to multitask at the conscious level. What happens eventually is that you spend more time regretting about how you could have won the battle with ease had you prepared in time. But then as I said, you can’t go back in time. So then you imagine what you would do for the next battle, that is if you somehow manage to get past this. But getting alive out of a lost battle also has something terrible in store. Though your loved ones will accept you once again and over and over again; deep down they are aware of your faults, mistakes and irresponsible behavior (passing on the blame from one thing to another). And this looms in their eyes, talks, gestures, etc. This adds on to the guilt.

But the future can’t be controlled as well. So all that remains is the present. Giving in your best is all that you can do now hoping to reduce that guilt later. Give in anything less than that, and you give the world another stress victim and subsequently a failure in all aspects.

You fail not when you have not succeeded but when you stop trying.