Beyond me !

There are times when you want something, have wanted it for quite sometime and have always imagined what it would feel like to finally have it. Then, comes a time, when there's an opportunity ; an opportunity to go out and get it; an opportunity to fulfill your dream. Having learnt from a lot of your mistakes in the past, you overcome your fears and leap forward. As you inch closer, its seems more and more plausible that soon the dream would turn into a reality. But then, out of nowhere, something comes in the way; a barrier, a hindrance. You can't get across it without breaking some rules, principles, hearts. But you want it badly, really badly. If only breaking others' hearts was easier than letting that opportunity slip away ; letting the dream remain as such for quite some time , maybe forever.

Through various experiences in life, I have come to know that somethings are beyond my control. People call it fate, I call it the "cumulative effect of others' activities on my life" . Whatever it is, I HATE IT , most of the times !!! 

Sensitivity vs Sensibility

Almost six months ago, a simple statement in a chat stirred up a thought that has taught me a lot about myself. Discussing about something with a friend, she somehow said that I was "sensitive". First response was to deny it. It was like an allegation; a sin, that I just couldn't merely accept to have commited.

Then came the realizatiion phase, when I realized that there might be some truth in those words. Although, at first I thought it was just the way she (and maybe others) perceived me and had nothing to do with the 'real' me. But then came a fear. What if it were true ?

Some, at this point, some would wonder " why the fear ? " So did I. On the one hand, I knew that the friend had said that in good-will, meaning no insult or harm, but I could see it as nothing but a finger pointed at a weakness; a characteristic which meant my defences were low.

Why 'weakness'? Emotions have a huge affect on any person; and the 'sensitive' ones are even more vulnerable. Among these emotions, the one that I have come to fear the most is that of 'guilt'. It is one of the most powerful tools to ruin a man's life. It can make one insane. For the lack of examples from my own life, I relate to a great director's work. Christopher Nolan's movie "The Memento" is nothing but an example, as how a man is ready to lead himself to a life full of confusion and a false hope and target instead of realizing the truth that he himself caused the death of his wife. A similar idea is observed in the movie 'Shutter Island'.

Those two examples might not seem apt as they are both fictional and also revolve around extreme guilt (after all its about killing fellow human). But I wish to potray the power of 'guilt' from these examples. Having been a victim of this 'utterly powerful' emotion, I have to come fear it, and 'respect' it at the same time. At times, I realize that my actions are driven by the need to 'avoid' guilt at a later stage in life.

Coming back to how being sensitive could be weakness; it is quite possible in this 'wild world' that people (whom I call the wolves) realize these 'sensitive wounds' and exploit us. Another reason for fearing this 'trait' is that someone might unintentionally say or do something that might have lasting impact on you. These emotions turn out to be 'consuming'. These emotions can, in simple words, make you incapable of thinking logically and not just take a lot of time, but also worsen the situation by 'over-thinking'.

The one thing I fear the most is to develop, what I call it as, 'the fear of attachment' (maybe a milder version of this is what I have in mind ) . To this date, I have come to realize that nothing inspires more than the 'attachment'; be it with a person ; or an inanimate object (like my laptop ;-) ). This attachment, oftenly translated to love, has inspired many before us and will continue to do so. This feeling makes people strive for something. Now, 'the fear of attachment' is the term I use for the fear of creating such an attachment because of instances in the past. A person may suffer and may fear to be attached to anyone or anything if he has been betrayed, let down, denied by someone he was attached to. And if I am 'sensitive', then I am vulnerable to this.

Now, some might thoughtlessly say that a solution to this would be to be 'emotionless' and 'insensitive'. Not considering the effort in making such a transition, I would not want to be on that side of the fence either. Emotional response to 'anything' make it real. For example, success won't be as important or effective if we could not be 'exhilarated' by achieving it; failure wouldn't be feared if it doesn't cause me the pain. If there's nothing that makes me 'feel' happier, there would be nothing I'd do to obtain it. Life would be dull and boring, and ironically, I won't even know it is.

PS : Now some posts (like "Accept or Deny") would make more sense. 

The Second Anniversary

Its something about this 'date' that just doesn't let me let it go without a blog-post. It is second the anniversary of IIT-JEE'09, the version of IIT-JEE that I'm familiar with; the one that I relate to; the one that I call My JEE.

Anyways, this post is not about the exam nor is it about the preparation or the value gained out of it. That is what was done last year. Now, the 'date' enforces up on me retrospection of what has happened in the last year;  not the year that ended on 31st December 2010, but the year marked in my life by this very day, 12th April. Today, one ends and a new one begins; and it is only customary to look at the year gone by, cherish the joyful moments and learn from those which brought tears.

The year has been a very dramatic one. Things have been learnt in unforeseen ways; in ways I could never imagine. Starting with my involvement in Techniche, which benefited me in more ways than I could have thought of; opening in front of me the world of the Free and/or Open Source Softwares (FOSS), getting me closer to computers and helping me know more about myself and those around me. Next, a difficult experience, was the experience of loss(es); loss in terms of 'a friend', 'a life' and 'a relationship'; losses that cannot be reverted, mistakes that cannot be corrected and their impact that cannot be forgotten.

In hindsight, these very things have taught me a lot about my own personality, my expectations out of life and out of people around me. I've learnt the hard way, that life might not be as long as we think, so make the most of it. This idea, itself, has brought about over a dozen changes in me. My attitudinal shift has left me a little more capable of observing those around and learning more about the intriguing human brain. I've learnt to accept various ideas and thoughts, not adopt but accept them as something 'understandable'.

In short, I feel far more mature and experienced than I was last year, and that is the way it should be. Progressing towards a better understanding of the humans and using the same knowledge to protect personal goals and help the society has 'now' become a priority. I use the word protect because this year has brought in front of me my vulnerabilities and weaknesses; somethings that I need to keep away from those who would intentionally (or unintentionally) try to dissuade me from my path.


I guess that is enough retrospection for now.
Happy 'IIT-JEE-09' anniversary to all. Happy New Year.

Stranger to a Friend

Life and friends; both are incomplete without each other. I have written about friends earlier, here and here, and I'm sure that will be the topic of discussion in many more posts to come. I owe a lot to my friends and I really can't imagine a life without them. But at the same time, I'm intrigued by the realisation that each one of them was once just another stranger to me and now, life without them, is unimaginable

The beginning of a friendship is something that always amazes me. It could be something as inconspicuous as ending up as room-mates or as neighbours; ending up as lab-partners; studying in the same class. It could begin at a discussion about common interests, common problems, "GIRLS" (yes,both boys and girls talk about 'girls' in different perspective though ;-) ) or even 'parents' . The possibilities are limitless.

And before you know it, the person you had just met, is now an integral part of your life. The same people whom you were shy/scared to talk to are now the people who know most about you; the same people whom you'd call by name, are now referred to by a variety of nick-names ( and the real name is even forgotten ); the same people you won't cry in front of, have already helped you through your worst times; the same people you called 'silent' are the one's that talk to you the most; the same people you cribbed about to your 'parents' or old-friends, are the one's you choose over parents to discuss a problem at hand.

All these words come out of mere retrospection of how I met my great friends, but I am sure there are many things about this 'unique' relation that I have missed out here. Feel free to share them with me ( in other words .. leave a comment .. ;-) )

Why we can(not) change the world ?

All of us have had those sudden ideas that could revolutionize how we live; could significantly change how we live, but how many of us have actually got a head start on that idea.

Every morning I (and I'm sure many of the readers) plan to get up 3 hours prior to their first appointment, hoping to get done with a lot of pending tasks and give the day a great start. But everyday, I hit the snooze button until its just 5 minutes to the first thing that I must do; long story short, laziness and procrastination prevent me from becoming the NEXT BIG THING in this universe.

But isn't that true for everyone or for that matter, isn't 'laziness' the cause of half the problems of the world we live in? Disagree? Lets take some examples. Each one of us would like to save water, coal, electricity and what not, but what prevents us? Laziness; laziness to get up and switch off the lights; laziness to turn off the tap that is flowing gallons of water; laziness to walk to the market instead of driving till there. And these are just the most conspicuous effects of the greatest possible sin of mankind. Think of that assignment you have been procrastinating for weeks or the backlog on the mails or that cooking class we all intend to join or that exercise schedule that you postpone by one day 'each' morning. Some call it lack of will, I call it laziness; and I doubt there's much of a difference between the two.

But lets not deny the virtues of 'laziness'. This can be aptly summarized by the following quote

All of the biggest technological inventions created by man - the airplane, the automobile, the computer - says little about his intelligence, but speaks volumes about his laziness.

The above words by Mark Kennedy explain why its not all that bad to be lazy at times. Also, in the words of the famous author Agatha Christie

I don't think necessity is the mother of invention. Invention, in my opinion, arises directly from idleness, possibly also from laziness - to save oneself trouble.

So after all, laziness is like a double-edged sword, the moment you lose control over it, you risk your own life. And that is as true as it gets.

So with that lesson learnt, go grab a cup of coffee (or tea if you prefer) and then lets get cracking. Talking about procrastination won't help (neither you nor me), so I thought I could share some links that might help to counter it : -

1. Top 10 motivation boosters and procrastination killers
2. The Now Habit : Overcoming Procrastination, Enjoying Guilt-Free Play
3. Getting things done with structured procrastination

PS : This post itself came out after a lot of procrastination; and finally it was idleness (or avoiding other more important tasks on the to-do list) that got me working on this.

A computer as my brain !!!

All through my life, I've understood brain as nothing more than a 'super-duper' computer. But as things happen and life gets more complicated, the 'basic' understanding seems so wrong.

How I wish the brain was a computer? Why do I think so, following are the reasons :-

1. It would be possible to 'clearly' enunciate all the thoughts in the mind (in technical jargon, all the processes running) and pick out the ones you would like to eliminate.

2. Your brain would be rendered incapable of playing tricks on your while you were sleeping by introducing thoughts and ideas that only use the 'processor' power and yield no outcome at all.

3. There would be an option to 'erase' memories; you could erase that you dislike or that cause a conflict with other 'memories' and thoughts.

4. Thoughts/memories once erased need not POP-UP and it would be impossible to relate to something you don't want, no matter how much one forces you to.

5. One could achieve a more 'emotionless' state and not get attached to every other thing or person in this life, making things so much more simpler and making life all about survival WITHOUT PURPOSE.

6. One would feel no pain, physical or psychological.

7. It would be easier for anyone else to look into a person and understand his state, and hence would resolve a lot of communication gaps.

Well, most of the 'advantages' listed above could easily be overpowered by something like a virus, but here I'm talking about more secure systems, preferably GNU/Linux based systems. ;-)

In any case, such a situation is entirely a DREAM, which itself is a concept of the mind, and would be absent from something that resembles a computer. Dream, a concept which can be as lethal as it is beautiful.

As can be seen in the small discussion above, this brain of mine just doesn't know what it wants and that is the 'worst' and the 'best' part of this exceptional piece of work. What do you guys think would be the advantages or disadvantages of having a computer instead of a brain ?

Accept or Deny ?

Denial is one of the most common responses of human to prevent himself from facing or accepting a harsh truth. It allows the person to accept what he wants and live life accordingly and make appropriate changes to his ideology. Escaping from reality is something that humans try often; some succeed, some don't. 

Is that what I'm doing? Denying ; denying that I'm falling into it; denying that I can't keep her outside my head. Am I trying to escape confessing the truth; the truth that I too can be shaken by someone, shaken to the core, shaken and left to ask for more. Am I 'running away' and more importantly, 'can' I run away from this?

When someONE demands more space in your head but part of you wants to deny the mere existence of such an idea, you are headed into a war; a war not fought with guns or swords, but with tools more powerful; tools that can render the brain temporarily useless. But surprisingly, whichever side wins, YOU, and no one else, are the loser. 

So, denial or acceptance, which shall it be then ? 

The man in the mirror

At some point of our lives or other, each one of has lied. Be it a lie as innocent as denying the responsibility of have broken a plate or be it as grave us deceiving a man into giving you some money. Nevertheless, they are all lies, and we all are liars. Each one of us knows what it is to lie to someone else. The nervousness involved, the risk, the relief when it is over. But what does it feel like to lie to oneself? How does it feel to make oneself believe something false?

Is it something that we don't know, or is it something that we all know? Do we know ourselves? Do you think you are who you think you are? Is the man in the mirror the same as the one on this side? Am I the same person on the inside as I appear to the outside world or are there secrets that should always remain within lest the world for me would be no more the way I know it now? And even worse, do I know those secrets myself?

Some of my readers have asked me whether I feel exposed when I know that people can read my thoughts on this blog. But the real question is, "Are these really my thoughts or is it just an attempt to paint a picture of myself as I would like to be perceived?". Or to rephrase it, "Don't I know that people read it? So won't I make sure that you read what I want you to?". These are the questions that should trouble the readers. As for me, the more disturbing question is "Is it me?" or to be more frank, "Do I know myself?"

2 years ago, for someone in my life, I had written an essay describing myself; describing myself as I saw myself. But as days, weeks, months passed; I began to realize the differences in the 'perceived' me and the 'real' me. Since then, I know that I've lost track of where the lies end and the truth begins. I am still looking for the answer and although I'd be glad to be not the only one lost, I wish that none of you end up with me. The absence of the knowledge about the real self takes away the confidence and fills one with doubt; it scares one to be close to someone for the fear of hurting him/her or oneself; one can no more expect others to understand him because their perception is based on his exterior; one is ever doubtful about his own goals and ambitions which at some stage were as clear as the October sky.

I'd conclude with the question, "Is the one with the above doubts the same as the one writing this post?"

Dreams. Future; near and far

Since birth, I've always had some vision about my future; some desire, some expectation; some goal to work toward; something to achieve. Always, I thought that was the dream everyone talked about. The dreams that make you work harder, forgetting your sleep; dreams that make you forget all the comfort and work until you have all that you desire. But is that it? Is only that distant aspiration worthy of being called a dream? Or is it that all small desires should be worked upon with the same vigor?

Future, something I enter into every passing moment, yet something I can never know. It is the single most mysterious things; some think that is where the beauty of the universe lies. Or does it?

I've come to learn in the last month through a grave experience, that life is not a joke. It is not at all something that one should take lightly; value it at all times. I've come to realize that this life can play with you in unpredictable ways and there is no winner; at least no human. In such a setting, I'm forced to wonder, should I be spending time ,resources and energy thinking of the times ahead or should I make the most of now FOR now; not thinking how what I do at this moment will affect some part of the future I'm about to enter.

There are things I "plan" to do in the next few days, some in the next few months, years and decades. But is it sensible?

Just yesterday, a friend's blog (The Rationalist's Batcave ) brought back to me the plans that I had for future; made me decide to shed away the laziness and get to work once again. I had made up my mind to leave aside all short-term goals, temptations, desires and happiness and work for that one goal. I felt convinced that that was the thing I wanted to die working for and it was the thing once achieved, I'd die a satisfied person.

But yet, over the night, the sleeping mind wandered into the prohibited zones and re-opened the question, particularly highlighting "death" as a keyword. When I don't even know what will happen in then next few seconds; isn't it dumb to push myself into a life deprived of all pleasure in the quest for the ultimate goal, which in itself will take decades, if not more?

Here I try to cut short and pose the same question to all of you. What should be more important, the expectations of the present or of the future? Should one "sacrifice" his senseless desires for a stronger cause, which can take time, to say the least?

Marks, numbers and symbols

It is shocking that humans, supposedly the smartest creatures on the earth, can be moved (either way) by things as insignificant as numbers. What are numbers, a set of symbols; but these symbols can at times hold within them fate of an entire civilization. Numbers, something created by humans, are something that is used to understand everything in this world; be it a 1 micrometer wide cell or a period of a year or distance of 1 lightyear.

Well that's not the numbers I want to talk about in this post. This post started with an attempt to get my head clear of the 'symbol' that has been bothering me, for over 12 hours now. Yes, I'm referring to my marks. Its strange how a symbol, an asterisk (*) in my case, can spin my head as if I was held at gun-point by a rogue monkey, and I'd never know what he wants. The feelings is killing me, and I've no way of evading it except trying to let this blog act as an outlet, yet again.

This post is not for the readers (primarily). But for myself. An attempt to rationalize my thoughts; attempt to see that its just a symbol, just a number that is missing there (which is yet another symbol). But whatever be said or done henceforth, the symbol * (asterisk) now has a new meaning for me. An entire new memory linked to it; a period of fear, of hope, of denial, of expectation.

When I began writing this post, I felt it'd be better if I had lived back in the days when there were no such symbols, no significance given to numbers; a period when numbers did not exist. But now, as I come to close this, I realize that numbers are everywhere. Maybe something I need not worry about them, because I will come across enough of them. Although, none of them will me something I can call mine as in 'MY NUMBER (marks in this case)', but still, they are all just numbers eventually; all the same. This entire world is nothing but NUMBERS, but it is not about the numbers. Its all about seeing through the numbers, and that's what each one of us should try to do. Behind each emotion, each feeling, each thought, each gesture lies some number, something that science has yet not captured, but a number lies behind it all the same. And not speaking of just human thoughts and feeling, look around; is there anything that can't be captured by a set of numbers, is there anything at all. Even these letters that convey a message are nothing but numbers, a set of numbers assembled so as to create something like this.

Well, I won't bother the readers any more explaining how numbers is all around them (an episode of NUMB3R5 would be suggested in case you wanna know more about the uses). I'd end here, stating once again, "See through the numbers, and then an entire WORLD begins to emerge".

PS : As mentioned in the post, this began with an attempt to quieten my mind, using the 'OUTLET' as that of my mind. Apologies for the random flow of thoughts.

Strange feelings

Life is funny. Funny how throughout your life all you care about is yourself, all you think about is yourself, its always about "YOU"; but then one day it all changes. You don't want it to be that way any more. You WANT to think and care about someone else, and not even expect the same in return.

How all your grief vanishes just by that one person's smile or laugh? How all your achievements, happiness seems pointless if it cannot make that ONE smile? And how all of this happens SO suddenly, that you can't help but wonder, "When the transition actually took place?" But no answer can be found.

Though somewhere, as with any good will, there's hope of recognition yet there's barely any attempt to do so. It even seems acceptable to be a guardian angel, a distant protector; watching over, trying to make sure no harm befalls her. It seems a matter of privilege to be able to offer your shoulder for crying although you hope that doesn't happen often; or rather it never happens.

Truly, life and human behaviour is all so strange; so unpredictable; and probably these are the things that make life worth living.

Life : That's the way it is

Everything in life comes at a price; be it materialistic gains or mental peace, everything demands something in return. No one should ever expect to get anything out of life without putting in something from their own side. Success in general demands you to work day and night, work with nothing else in mind. Success, is like a mistress that needs to be pleased before it accepts to walk along with you. And to keep it that way, you need to show your admiration, adoration and appreciation for her at all times. Falter once, and you lose all that has been gained; it is harder to please an angry woman than to make her fall in love with you for the first time. And the same is true with success.

Readers here might be wondering why I draw this "preposterous" analogy so here is my excuse : "The two characters compared are currently the only things in my mind, making it harder for me to choose the 'mistress' I want to secure first."

Fighting authority

Very often in life one comes across a point when to eradicate the cause of his persistent unhappiness, one must confront the authority, the same authority responsible for making life better, simpler, enjoyable for him.

The one with power is expected to guide those without it. But what happens when that ONE loses his path, forgets his purpose and finds another one? What happens when that very person supposed to help them becomes the one they need to be helped against? What happens if he turns a blind eye to all the anguish rising among those beneath? But is there anything that can be done against it?

No one from the masses comes forward for the fear of abandonment. Those who rise alone are crushed. Worse is what happens with those who try to inspire. The powerful never touches the strong, but breaks the weak, and arouses further fear among those left, causing distrust in the one who led them all against authority. How does one expect to fight an Injustice in such a world, where one's own ego is everything to him; not even other's tears can move him.

No wonder those who have stood against any supremacy till date have been immortalized by constant references to them in historical symbols. I guess, to throw over the authority, at least ONE man needs to be prepared to sacrifice all he has; sometimes even his life.

NOTE : Inspired by a personal experience of brutality by a powerful person.

A Listener

At times I feel that I've been through a lot; when all the explanation and methods to motivate oneself fails; times when looking at those suffering even more doesn't help you think that you are better off; times when all I want to do is talk, talk my heart out.

At such times, all I seek is a "listener". Someone who would listen; listen to all that I have to say but not judge, not comment, not reason, not explain, not console, not argue ; but just listen and from time-to-time just nod or make a sign to show that there is still someone listening to me.

If only there was such a listener, I'd talk; talk about anything and everything in this world, in my life and in everyone else's life. From the big-bang theory to doomsday, from string theory to rocket science, from Genetics to Psychology to Computer Science, from friends to parents, from my heart to brain, my past to aspirations, from success to my regrets, from sense to non-sense; just about anything.

I don't know if that will help, but such moments are rare but definitely not short-lived. And when significant time has passed without such a listener, the desire seems to fade out, as if on losing hope to ever finding such a listener.

At some stages of this feeling, I wonder how easy it would be to get high; how good an excuse it would be to just let out your emotions and not be taken seriously; how good an excuse to just laugh, or cry, or scream, or shout. But what separates me from attaining it is just one simple promise, a promise to no-one else but myself, and that makes it harder.

Magical LOVE

Quoting a man wiser than me :

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. ........"

To a man who always thought that the brain is the most important part of the body, these lines somehow bring forth the problem behind *Love*. It beats all sense; all understanding and yet it is something everyone wants to experience.

Something as simple as a smile, a look, a comment, a remark; just about anything which should otherwise not even be discussed, can suddenly change the way one perceives the world. Just one single undefined response from the body, the unexplained surge of chemicals can lead to ecstasy, a feeling like no another. A feeling that blocks out all cognition; that slows down the brain and you can feel the blood rushing to another part of the body; the HEART. Suddenly, you can feel your heart; pumping against your chest as if struggling not to be torn apart by all the blood inside; the chest struggling to keep it inside.

And it would be less sinful if it would just end there; the feeling persists, although not strongly enough, but feeble enough to make you crave for more. All your mental resources are occupied; occupied by a thought you can't mold into words, but occupied all the same. And its not just the waking hours that are affected, the sleep to is infected by the thought in the form of dreams. And as if the dreams' purpose was not just to keep fresh in your mind the feeling and leave you aching for more, but it is also shrewd enough to making you accept that you want more of the dream itself, which those with medical backgrounds can understand is, in itself, disastrous.

And when, at some rare occasions, you do succeed in intervening the enigmatic set of emotions and attempt to introduce reason; things get worse, as now your conscious mind makes sure that the feeling is not simply forgotten. On those even rarer occasions when you win the battle over the unexplainable by sense and logic, it is all ruined as soon as that one thing - a smile, a look, a comment, a remark, a kiss, anything - happens again; and then the whole process starts over although at a magnitude harder to ignore; harder to forget; harder to reason.

LOVE .... so hard to explain....so mysterious..magical...

NOTE : inspired by another blog and a movie I recently saw.

To my FRIENDS

As highlighted in most of my blogposts, I guess the biggest struggle in my life has been that to crack THE JEE-09. But here, I don't want to whine over the fact that I'vent achieved anything noteworthy since then, but try to explore the cause behind it (which I think I've found)

I attribute my success in that struggle primarily to my teachers. But not far behind in the percentage contribution are my friends. Through them I didn't just learn and understand the course and subjects but far more important things. Their qualities span beyond the things that can be gauged by numbers. To name a few of those qualities, optimism, dedication, inspiration, ability to prioritize and many more. And I'd say that among all my friend, there was at least one of them and there was none with all of them. But we together complemented each other. As they say, "Together we stood tall"

But then came the time when we were separated to tread along a path of choice, but without the company of choice. On the day of separation, promises were made to stick together and stay in touch and *being there*. But as usual, promises are meant to be broken.

Now I see, distantly, all of us separated. And its impact is bad.....

For me, apparently the various qualities of each one of them that helped me over the hill then, is now lost. There are times, when I know what it is I need, but dare not say to others around me fearing mockery. But this brings me back those memories of the days when I could say it to any of my friends without fear or hesitation. Now, the distance seems to have crept in. And now the social networking sites and phones seem inadequate. Nothing can match the face-to-face talk.

I don't know what to write to explain how I feel. But this is what keeps coming to the surface :

Unexplainably, we feed off each other's energy, success, happiness. How-much-ever separated we are, this is something that will remain true. We still compare with each other, and hence anyone's failure or unhappiness, will prevent each one of us to move forward. It gives me immense pain to see some of my friends giving up because that gives me reason to even consider that option. I used to love the determination in each one of your attitude. And I know I need to see it again to keep me going. So here's what I request each one of my friends (those I want to refer to here know it, in case someone is in doubt, just send me a personal message and I'll tell if you are on the list):-
Lets keep our spirits high, and though we are separated...lets still be the source of energy and motivation for each other. If not for your sake, then for others part of the group, I request you to never give up. The only thing I would like you to give up is the *thought that giving up is an option*


NOTE : This post may seem weird and out of context, but I write this in an unexplainable mental state. So please don't ask me why I wrote this.

Peace

For some it is in silences, some seek it in music. For some it comes with accomplishment, while for some its just the work done, irrespective of the outcome. Some find it in a gathering of friends, while some need loneliness. Some attain it only after their life, while other devote their life to achieve it.

Some seek it within themselves while others go around the world establishing it.

Whatever it is, its absence causes turmoil and its presence ..... well I can't think of any word but *PEACE* itself.....

Some lessons of life

Since the beginning of life, I have always compared. Compared marks, effort, efficiency, and what not. I've always wanted myself to be on the leading side; I even mean be the one putting in more effort but then I do expect better efficiency as well.

But this life, never works the way you want. This is something I've learned through innumerable incidents and events. But I've also learnt one thing. . . "THOU SHALL NOT COMPARE"

Before me are living examples of GOD... These are people who are way beyond the worldly worries. Nothing, absolutely nothing can push them to worry. I love to see this attitude. Some might find it irritating, some irrational. But how I see it is that it lets them concentrate on what makes them happy.

If you didn't get the importance of the last statement, let me make it more clear. This gives them the opportunity to devote 100% of their attention to what they love doing unlike most of us who's lives are occupied by things that we do just to ensure that they don't trouble us. We do most things because not doing them makes us worry.

Let me give you an example. I study some subjects just because not studying them gives me the fear of failing. But these guys don't get that fear. So such a guy would spend more time on what he likes and be happier.

I guess you get the point. I envy them, I envy their attitude, I envy their capability and I aim to be one of them. But I fear the impact of "Not comparing" on me. Will I be as happy as them and improve my performance or is it the way my brain motivates itself, to keep the challenge alive.

But once again, talking about performance, I'm coming back to the comparison.

Towards the end :: A Diary Entry

1:44 am

Why can't I revert back the arms of the clock? Why can't I correct my mistakes? Why is this world so harsh on me? WHY? WHY?

No one is here for me..No one answers me..no one cares for me...

What can I do? No marks, no grades, no hope....this life's a complete waste...What shall I do???WHAT??

I remember how happy I used to be as a kid. No worry about anything. Everyone used to care for me, everyone loved me and everyone forgave me for my mistakes. WHY can't the same happen now? Why can't people just ignore my past?

BUT there is one way!! I can RESTART..restart as a baby..grow up to be a child again and then not make the same mistakes again...
I'm sorry mom...sorry for making you so upset...sorry for being so rude, so inconsiderate....Mom, I'm sorry for not being a good son....In the next birth I would want to be your son once again and make you happy....make you proud.

I've decided to end this life..a life that has been ruined..a life that is no more worth living. . .. Before I leave this world, I apologize for my mistakes and ask for mercy...

1:50

As I walk towards the highest point in the area, I can see the sun rising. Oh what a beautiful sight!! But alas, the last one I'm going to see in this life! Birds glide over me with their wings spread apart...making an elegant dive over the pond and then skimming over the water... I wish I could fly away like the birds. I wish I could be one of them.....

I've reached the highest point, I stand at the edge. I look down...it surely will kill me...I close my eyes..Memories...mom and dad scolding me, my examination papers, my successful friends, face of one I love -- fragments of my ruined life...I must do it. This is the only way I can get away.

I take one step forward and let myself fall. . .The fall feels amazing, easier than I had imagined... Faces of friends and family flash through my shut eyes...my mom's face..so beautiful, so calming...I hold the image...I want to hold the image forever...but what is happening to her face, she's crying...why .. what happened mom? I hear her words, "Why son! Why did you leave me? Was I so harsh on you?" . .. no mom..its not your fault.. I want to see her, explain to her..and I don't want to make her cry....I want her happy...I want to make you proud mom... I DON'T WANT TO DIE... until now the fall was slow, but now I'm falling fast, very fast and I don't like it. I wish I could fly... .I flap my arms like wings but alas, I can't....Mom, I'm sorry...I really am....HELP ME ..


Newspaper Headline : Another student crumbles under pressure.


PS : Only a piece of fiction.

No clue why I wrote it and why I wanted to share it. But I know this isn't what I will ever do in my life. Hope others can say the same thing.

One year -One full circle --A tribute to JEE-09

On 12th April 2009, I gave the most important exam of my life; so important that I've devoted many of my blog-articles in memory of the exam; and here is another one, on the first anniversary of 'MY' version of IIT-JEE.

Never before had I given so much importance to anything in my life. Never before had I wanted something so desperately in life. That exam holds a huge significance in my life, and in life of all those who have given the exam at some point of time. I don't want to talk about the IITs and related benefits et cetera; but I want to talk about just about IIT-JEE and its impact.

This exam, given by over 4 lakh students each year, changes the life of many and it changed mine too. Now, it is not just the mere acievement that is memorable but so is the journey. It is hard to believe that I could commit myself to it to such an extent that everything else seemed insignificant. Even the pleasure of watching a movie seemed worthless (I recollect myself watching some good movies and 3-4x their actual speed). The journey, and its successful culmination, has a left a mark on me (not like that on Harry Potter). Every challenge now seems attainable; nothing in this world seems impossible. Now, there lies in some part of my heart, a desire to take up new challenges just for the pleasure when it is achieved. Now, my age old dream to leave a mark on the society seems possible. Now, it seems that "I can" do what I commit myself to or rather I 'KNOW' I can.


Now -one year after the exam, one year since the end of the "TOUGH TIMES", one year since the end of "THE EXAM - IIT JEE 2009" - I know the importance of this exam : it lies not in the subsequent admission to IITs but in the deep impact on one's self-confidence.