Thursday, December 30, 2010

The man in the mirror

At some point of our lives or other, each one of has lied. Be it a lie as innocent as denying the responsibility of have broken a plate or be it as grave us deceiving a man into giving you some money. Nevertheless, they are all lies, and we all are liars. Each one of us knows what it is to lie to someone else. The nervousness involved, the risk, the relief when it is over. But what does it feel like to lie to oneself? How does it feel to make oneself believe something false?

Is it something that we don't know, or is it something that we all know? Do we know ourselves? Do you think you are who you think you are? Is the man in the mirror the same as the one on this side? Am I the same person on the inside as I appear to the outside world or are there secrets that should always remain within lest the world for me would be no more the way I know it now? And even worse, do I know those secrets myself?

Some of my readers have asked me whether I feel exposed when I know that people can read my thoughts on this blog. But the real question is, "Are these really my thoughts or is it just an attempt to paint a picture of myself as I would like to be perceived?". Or to rephrase it, "Don't I know that people read it? So won't I make sure that you read what I want you to?". These are the questions that should trouble the readers. As for me, the more disturbing question is "Is it me?" or to be more frank, "Do I know myself?"

2 years ago, for someone in my life, I had written an essay describing myself; describing myself as I saw myself. But as days, weeks, months passed; I began to realize the differences in the 'perceived' me and the 'real' me. Since then, I know that I've lost track of where the lies end and the truth begins. I am still looking for the answer and although I'd be glad to be not the only one lost, I wish that none of you end up with me. The absence of the knowledge about the real self takes away the confidence and fills one with doubt; it scares one to be close to someone for the fear of hurting him/her or oneself; one can no more expect others to understand him because their perception is based on his exterior; one is ever doubtful about his own goals and ambitions which at some stage were as clear as the October sky.

I'd conclude with the question, "Is the one with the above doubts the same as the one writing this post?"

Friday, November 26, 2010

Dreams. Future; near and far

Since birth, I've always had some vision about my future; some desire, some expectation; some goal to work toward; something to achieve. Always, I thought that was the dream everyone talked about. The dreams that make you work harder, forgetting your sleep; dreams that make you forget all the comfort and work until you have all that you desire. But is that it? Is only that distant aspiration worthy of being called a dream? Or is it that all small desires should be worked upon with the same vigor?

Future, something I enter into every passing moment, yet something I can never know. It is the single most mysterious things; some think that is where the beauty of the universe lies. Or does it?

I've come to learn in the last month through a grave experience, that life is not a joke. It is not at all something that one should take lightly; value it at all times. I've come to realize that this life can play with you in unpredictable ways and there is no winner; at least no human. In such a setting, I'm forced to wonder, should I be spending time ,resources and energy thinking of the times ahead or should I make the most of now FOR now; not thinking how what I do at this moment will affect some part of the future I'm about to enter.

There are things I "plan" to do in the next few days, some in the next few months, years and decades. But is it sensible?

Just yesterday, a friend's blog (The Rationalist's Batcave ) brought back to me the plans that I had for future; made me decide to shed away the laziness and get to work once again. I had made up my mind to leave aside all short-term goals, temptations, desires and happiness and work for that one goal. I felt convinced that that was the thing I wanted to die working for and it was the thing once achieved, I'd die a satisfied person.

But yet, over the night, the sleeping mind wandered into the prohibited zones and re-opened the question, particularly highlighting "death" as a keyword. When I don't even know what will happen in then next few seconds; isn't it dumb to push myself into a life deprived of all pleasure in the quest for the ultimate goal, which in itself will take decades, if not more?

Here I try to cut short and pose the same question to all of you. What should be more important, the expectations of the present or of the future? Should one "sacrifice" his senseless desires for a stronger cause, which can take time, to say the least?

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Marks, numbers and symbols

It is shocking that humans, supposedly the smartest creatures on the earth, can be moved (either way) by things as insignificant as numbers. What are numbers, a set of symbols; but these symbols can at times hold within them fate of an entire civilization. Numbers, something created by humans, are something that is used to understand everything in this world; be it a 1 micrometer wide cell or a period of a year or distance of 1 lightyear.

Well that's not the numbers I want to talk about in this post. This post started with an attempt to get my head clear of the 'symbol' that has been bothering me, for over 12 hours now. Yes, I'm referring to my marks. Its strange how a symbol, an asterisk (*) in my case, can spin my head as if I was held at gun-point by a rogue monkey, and I'd never know what he wants. The feelings is killing me, and I've no way of evading it except trying to let this blog act as an outlet, yet again.

This post is not for the readers (primarily). But for myself. An attempt to rationalize my thoughts; attempt to see that its just a symbol, just a number that is missing there (which is yet another symbol). But whatever be said or done henceforth, the symbol * (asterisk) now has a new meaning for me. An entire new memory linked to it; a period of fear, of hope, of denial, of expectation.

When I began writing this post, I felt it'd be better if I had lived back in the days when there were no such symbols, no significance given to numbers; a period when numbers did not exist. But now, as I come to close this, I realize that numbers are everywhere. Maybe something I need not worry about them, because I will come across enough of them. Although, none of them will me something I can call mine as in 'MY NUMBER (marks in this case)', but still, they are all just numbers eventually; all the same. This entire world is nothing but NUMBERS, but it is not about the numbers. Its all about seeing through the numbers, and that's what each one of us should try to do. Behind each emotion, each feeling, each thought, each gesture lies some number, something that science has yet not captured, but a number lies behind it all the same. And not speaking of just human thoughts and feeling, look around; is there anything that can't be captured by a set of numbers, is there anything at all. Even these letters that convey a message are nothing but numbers, a set of numbers assembled so as to create something like this.

Well, I won't bother the readers any more explaining how numbers is all around them (an episode of NUMB3R5 would be suggested in case you wanna know more about the uses). I'd end here, stating once again, "See through the numbers, and then an entire WORLD begins to emerge".

PS : As mentioned in the post, this began with an attempt to quieten my mind, using the 'OUTLET' as that of my mind. Apologies for the random flow of thoughts.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Strange feelings

Life is funny. Funny how throughout your life all you care about is yourself, all you think about is yourself, its always about "YOU"; but then one day it all changes. You don't want it to be that way any more. You WANT to think and care about someone else, and not even expect the same in return.

How all your grief vanishes just by that one person's smile or laugh? How all your achievements, happiness seems pointless if it cannot make that ONE smile? And how all of this happens SO suddenly, that you can't help but wonder, "When the transition actually took place?" But no answer can be found.

Though somewhere, as with any good will, there's hope of recognition yet there's barely any attempt to do so. It even seems acceptable to be a guardian angel, a distant protector; watching over, trying to make sure no harm befalls her. It seems a matter of privilege to be able to offer your shoulder for crying although you hope that doesn't happen often; or rather it never happens.

Truly, life and human behaviour is all so strange; so unpredictable; and probably these are the things that make life worth living.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Life : That's the way it is

Everything in life comes at a price; be it materialistic gains or mental peace, everything demands something in return. No one should ever expect to get anything out of life without putting in something from their own side. Success in general demands you to work day and night, work with nothing else in mind. Success, is like a mistress that needs to be pleased before it accepts to walk along with you. And to keep it that way, you need to show your admiration, adoration and appreciation for her at all times. Falter once, and you lose all that has been gained; it is harder to please an angry woman than to make her fall in love with you for the first time. And the same is true with success.

Readers here might be wondering why I draw this "preposterous" analogy so here is my excuse : "The two characters compared are currently the only things in my mind, making it harder for me to choose the 'mistress' I want to secure first."

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Fighting authority

Very often in life one comes across a point when to eradicate the cause of his persistent unhappiness, one must confront the authority, the same authority responsible for making life better, simpler, enjoyable for him.

The one with power is expected to guide those without it. But what happens when that ONE loses his path, forgets his purpose and finds another one? What happens when that very person supposed to help them becomes the one they need to be helped against? What happens if he turns a blind eye to all the anguish rising among those beneath? But is there anything that can be done against it?

No one from the masses comes forward for the fear of abandonment. Those who rise alone are crushed. Worse is what happens with those who try to inspire. The powerful never touches the strong, but breaks the weak, and arouses further fear among those left, causing distrust in the one who led them all against authority. How does one expect to fight an Injustice in such a world, where one's own ego is everything to him; not even other's tears can move him.

No wonder those who have stood against any supremacy till date have been immortalized by constant references to them in historical symbols. I guess, to throw over the authority, at least ONE man needs to be prepared to sacrifice all he has; sometimes even his life.

NOTE : Inspired by a personal experience of brutality by a powerful person.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

A Listener

At times I feel that I've been through a lot; when all the explanation and methods to motivate oneself fails; times when looking at those suffering even more doesn't help you think that you are better off; times when all I want to do is talk, talk my heart out.

At such times, all I seek is a "listener". Someone who would listen; listen to all that I have to say but not judge, not comment, not reason, not explain, not console, not argue ; but just listen and from time-to-time just nod or make a sign to show that there is still someone listening to me.

If only there was such a listener, I'd talk; talk about anything and everything in this world, in my life and in everyone else's life. From the big-bang theory to doomsday, from string theory to rocket science, from Genetics to Psychology to Computer Science, from friends to parents, from my heart to brain, my past to aspirations, from success to my regrets, from sense to non-sense; just about anything.

I don't know if that will help, but such moments are rare but definitely not short-lived. And when significant time has passed without such a listener, the desire seems to fade out, as if on losing hope to ever finding such a listener.

At some stages of this feeling, I wonder how easy it would be to get high; how good an excuse it would be to just let out your emotions and not be taken seriously; how good an excuse to just laugh, or cry, or scream, or shout. But what separates me from attaining it is just one simple promise, a promise to no-one else but myself, and that makes it harder.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

That ONE decision

There are times when you regret some decisions; decisions that were important not just in your life, but to many more. You wish to say something, do something to undo what has been done; to undo the damage caused. All you hope for is that those hurt by the decision will forgive you; forgive you for making the choice. Some decisions can't be undone, sometimes talking about them only makes things worse and any attempt to make things better could only worsen the situation. All you can wish for is to travel back in time and change just "that one" moment of your life; to be able to make things better, maybe not perfect, but definitely better.

The thought of that one decision gone wrong can ruin a lot. It can choke your capability of making any more decisions; decisions that are similar and affect not just you but some others. Quoting a friend of mine, " A little doubt is good, it helps you make better analysed decisions; but too much of it just ruins it". Everytime you come close to making some choice, you are haunted by the memories of that 'one' wrong choice.

The toughest part is that you can't even "ask" for forgiveness. Not because you are afraid to find yourself indicted; but the fact that bringing up the topic could make the other person re-live some of the painful moments, make him regret his own decision of thinking that you were at fault. You are reluctant since discussing it with the person would just lead to the transfer of this intolerable guilt and that is not a comforting option either.

At such times, all you CAN do is hope that you are forgiven. Only if there was a way to forget it all, only if you could just not ponder over it again. You hope that the other person would know the other side of the story someday; someday when it no longer means anything to him, someday when the impact of the revelation wouldn't at all be significant, someday when the person is done with all the musing over the topic. But until then, all you do is wait for that day, and hope against hope that you, above all, will forgive yourself.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Magical LOVE

Quoting a man wiser than me :
"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. ........"

To a man who always thought that the brain is the most important part of the body, these lines somehow bring forth the problem behind *Love*. It beats all sense; all understanding and yet it is something everyone wants to experience.

Something as simple as a smile, a look, a comment, a remark; just about anything which should otherwise not even be discussed, can suddenly change the way one perceives the world. Just one single undefined response from the body, the unexplained surge of chemicals can lead to ecstasy, a feeling like no another. A feeling that blocks out all cognition; that slows down the brain and you can feel the blood rushing to another part of the body; the HEART. Suddenly, you can feel your heart; pumping against your chest as if struggling not to be torn apart by all the blood inside; the chest struggling to keep it inside.

And it would be less sinful if it would just end there; the feeling persists, although not strongly enough, but feeble enough to make you crave for more. All your mental resources are occupied; occupied by a thought you can't mold into words, but occupied all the same. And its not just the waking hours that are affected, the sleep to is infected by the thought in the form of dreams. And as if the dreams' purpose was not just to keep fresh in your mind the feeling and leave you aching for more, but it is also shrewd enough to making you accept that you want more of the dream itself, which those with medical backgrounds can understand is, in itself, disastrous.

And when, at some rare occasions, you do succeed in intervening the enigmatic set of emotions and attempt to introduce reason; things get worse, as now your conscious mind makes sure that the feeling is not simply forgotten. On those even rarer occasions when you win the battle over the unexplainable by sense and logic, it is all ruined as soon as that one thing - a smile, a look, a comment, a remark, a kiss, anything - happens again; and then the whole process starts over although at a magnitude harder to ignore; harder to forget; harder to reason.

LOVE .... so hard to explain....so mysterious..magical...

NOTE : inspired by another blog and a movie I recently saw.

Saturday, September 25, 2010

To my FRIENDS

As highlighted in most of my blogposts, I guess the biggest struggle in my life has been that to crack THE JEE-09. But here, I don't want to whine over the fact that I'vent achieved anything noteworthy since then, but try to explore the cause behind it (which I think I've found)

I attribute my success in that struggle primarily to my teachers. But not far behind in the percentage contribution are my friends. Through them I didn't just learn and understand the course and subjects but far more important things. Their qualities span beyond the things that can be gauged by numbers. To name a few of those qualities, optimism, dedication, inspiration, ability to prioritize and many more. And I'd say that among all my friend, there was at least one of them and there was none with all of them. But we together complemented each other. As they say, "Together we stood tall"

But then came the time when we were separated to tread along a path of choice, but without the company of choice. On the day of separation, promises were made to stick together and stay in touch and *being there*. But as usual, promises are meant to be broken.

Now I see, distantly, all of us separated. And its impact is bad.....

For me, apparently the various qualities of each one of them that helped me over the hill then, is now lost. There are times, when I know what it is I need, but dare not say to others around me fearing mockery. But this brings me back those memories of the days when I could say it to any of my friends without fear or hesitation. Now, the distance seems to have crept in. And now the social networking sites and phones seem inadequate. Nothing can match the face-to-face talk.

I don't know what to write to explain how I feel. But this is what keeps coming to the surface :

Unexplainably, we feed off each other's energy, success, happiness. How-much-ever separated we are, this is something that will remain true. We still compare with each other, and hence anyone's failure or unhappiness, will prevent each one of us to move forward. It gives me immense pain to see some of my friends giving up because that gives me reason to even consider that option. I used to love the determination in each one of your attitude. And I know I need to see it again to keep me going. So here's what I request each one of my friends (those I want to refer to here know it, in case someone is in doubt, just send me a personal message and I'll tell if you are on the list):-
Lets keep our spirits high, and though we are separated...lets still be the source of energy and motivation for each other. If not for your sake, then for others part of the group, I request you to never give up. The only thing I would like you to give up is the *thought that giving up is an option*


NOTE : This post may seem weird and out of context, but I write this in an unexplainable mental state. So please don't ask me why I wrote this.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Loneliness

At times your heart aches and you know not what to do. At such times all you seek are reassuring faces, support and absence of loneliness.

Rarely do I hate loneliness. For me its very important, but when your mind stops working and all you do is think from your heart.... Loneliness can be a curse...

You expect friends to come forward to help, to say words that uplift your spirit. You expect them to come forward and hug you...as that, in an unexplainable way, makes the heart feel light as if the burden had been shared among the two hearts that came together...


PS: I don't know what I'm saying here; just a random flow of thoughts.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Peace

For some it is in silences, some seek it in music. For some it comes with accomplishment, while for some its just the work done, irrespective of the outcome. Some find it in a gathering of friends, while some need loneliness. Some attain it only after their life, while other devote their life to achieve it.

Some seek it within themselves while others go around the world establishing it.

Whatever it is, its absence causes turmoil and its presence ..... well I can't think of any word but *PEACE* itself.....

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Dreams, Day-dreams and Reality

Since childhood, I've had a variety of goals to be achieved. Some forgotten, some modified, some discarded for the better....but eventually if I were to create a pile of what I all I've wanted to do or aspired to be, it would be as tall as the Eiffel Tower.

And even today, I dream...dream a lot about what will become of me sometime in future. The future seems bright, silent, peaceful....My dreams seem vague to some. Some feel that it is a symptom of the lost confidence in me. Some feel that its way below my potential;but for me,it is still my dream. In the course of time, the dream might undergo some amendments, but I'll always have a dream.

Surprisingly, no where in future do I aspire to be a millionaire, but all I expect is professional peace. Is that too much to ask? Is it a childish dream? Is it denying the reality? Will it always remain a dream?

Many of my friends have chosen to change their dreams, and by change I mean completely change. They have come up with an entirely new perspective of their future. They call it maturity.

Is it? Does maturity come with sacrifices? Is the price of maturity to lose the faith in dreams? Some defend it with vague excuses; excuses that aren't even enough to silent their minds. Some just finally decide to give up their fight against the so called "FATE/LUCK/DESTINY".

Whatever it maybe, I hope I can stick on to my dreams and thoughts till the end of life and achieve most of them. I wish the same for my friends, even if it comes at the heavy price of being called "immature"....

NOTE: Inspired by a friend's blog...

Thursday, May 6, 2010

ASSUMPTIONS & MISUNDERSTANDINGS

I wrote the following poem in free time in the previous semester. I thought I had lost it but now I found it back. Read it really carefully and leave some comments.

ASSUMPTIONS & MISUNDERSTANDINGS

It was no love at first sight
Nor did it take long for it
It spanned slowly over me
And now she drives me crazy

I love it when I see her
And her elegance binds me,
When my palms rest on her
And fingers move so swiftly

I love the way she runs
So swift and fast,
And how she does multiple tasks
That too all at once

I love it when she shows
All that she owns
Nothing hidden from the master
Of her very soul.

I love to turn her on
And see her beauty
As she works on
For it is her destiny

I even like it when below my hands
I feel her temperature rising
And even as she vibrates
Thanks to the exhaust fan working

Oh! You thought it was a hottie
Well, she is one, but not as your naughty
Thoughts. My lappy is what I speak of



NOTE : Now I assume the title makes sense. Read it again, I hope it'll be more fun once you know the end.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Some lessons of life

Since the beginning of life, I have always compared. Compared marks, effort, efficiency, and what not. I've always wanted myself to be on the leading side; I even mean be the one putting in more effort but then I do expect better efficiency as well.

But this life, never works the way you want. This is something I've learned through innumerable incidents and events. But I've also learnt one thing. . . "THOU SHALL NOT COMPARE"

Before me are living examples of GOD... These are people who are way beyond the worldly worries. Nothing, absolutely nothing can push them to worry. I love to see this attitude. Some might find it irritating, some irrational. But how I see it is that it lets them concentrate on what makes them happy.

If you didn't get the importance of the last statement, let me make it more clear. This gives them the opportunity to devote 100% of their attention to what they love doing unlike most of us who's lives are occupied by things that we do just to ensure that they don't trouble us. We do most things because not doing them makes us worry.

Let me give you an example. I study some subjects just because not studying them gives me the fear of failing. But these guys don't get that fear. So such a guy would spend more time on what he likes and be happier.

I guess you get the point. I envy them, I envy their attitude, I envy their capability and I aim to be one of them. But I fear the impact of "Not comparing" on me. Will I be as happy as them and improve my performance or is it the way my brain motivates itself, to keep the challenge alive.

But once again, talking about performance, I'm coming back to the comparison.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Towards the end :: A Diary Entry

1:44 am

Why can't I revert back the arms of the clock? Why can't I correct my mistakes? Why is this world so harsh on me? WHY? WHY?

No one is here for me..No one answers me..no one cares for me...

What can I do? No marks, no grades, no hope....this life's a complete waste...What shall I do???WHAT??

I remember how happy I used to be as a kid. No worry about anything. Everyone used to care for me, everyone loved me and everyone forgave me for my mistakes. WHY can't the same happen now? Why can't people just ignore my past?

BUT there is one way!! I can RESTART..restart as a baby..grow up to be a child again and then not make the same mistakes again...
I'm sorry mom...sorry for making you so upset...sorry for being so rude, so inconsiderate....Mom, I'm sorry for not being a good son....In the next birth I would want to be your son once again and make you happy....make you proud.

I've decided to end this life..a life that has been ruined..a life that is no more worth living. . .. Before I leave this world, I apologize for my mistakes and ask for mercy...

1:50

As I walk towards the highest point in the area, I can see the sun rising. Oh what a beautiful sight!! But alas, the last one I'm going to see in this life! Birds glide over me with their wings spread apart...making an elegant dive over the pond and then skimming over the water... I wish I could fly away like the birds. I wish I could be one of them.....

I've reached the highest point, I stand at the edge. I look down...it surely will kill me...I close my eyes..Memories...mom and dad scolding me, my examination papers, my successful friends, face of one I love -- fragments of my ruined life...I must do it. This is the only way I can get away.

I take one step forward and let myself fall. . .The fall feels amazing, easier than I had imagined... Faces of friends and family flash through my shut eyes...my mom's face..so beautiful, so calming...I hold the image...I want to hold the image forever...but what is happening to her face, she's crying...why .. what happened mom? I hear her words, "Why son! Why did you leave me? Was I so harsh on you?" . .. no mom..its not your fault.. I want to see her, explain to her..and I don't want to make her cry....I want her happy...I want to make you proud mom... I DON'T WANT TO DIE... until now the fall was slow, but now I'm falling fast, very fast and I don't like it. I wish I could fly... .I flap my arms like wings but alas, I can't....Mom, I'm sorry...I really am....HELP ME ..


Newspaper Headline : Another student crumbles under pressure.


PS : Only a piece of fiction.

No clue why I wrote it and why I wanted to share it. But I know this isn't what I will ever do in my life. Hope others can say the same thing.

Monday, April 12, 2010

One year -One full circle --A tribute to JEE-09

On 12th April 2009, I gave the most important exam of my life; so important that I've devoted many of my blog-articles in memory of the exam; and here is another one, on the first anniversary of 'MY' version of IIT-JEE.

Never before had I given so much importance to anything in my life. Never before had I wanted something so desperately in life. That exam holds a huge significance in my life, and in life of all those who have given the exam at some point of time. I don't want to talk about the IITs and related benefits et cetera; but I want to talk about just about IIT-JEE and its impact.

This exam, given by over 4 lakh students each year, changes the life of many and it changed mine too. Now, it is not just the mere acievement that is memorable but so is the journey. It is hard to believe that I could commit myself to it to such an extent that everything else seemed insignificant. Even the pleasure of watching a movie seemed worthless (I recollect myself watching some good movies and 3-4x their actual speed). The journey, and its successful culmination, has a left a mark on me (not like that on Harry Potter). Every challenge now seems attainable; nothing in this world seems impossible. Now, there lies in some part of my heart, a desire to take up new challenges just for the pleasure when it is achieved. Now, my age old dream to leave a mark on the society seems possible. Now, it seems that "I can" do what I commit myself to or rather I 'KNOW' I can.


Now -one year after the exam, one year since the end of the "TOUGH TIMES", one year since the end of "THE EXAM - IIT JEE 2009" - I know the importance of this exam : it lies not in the subsequent admission to IITs but in the deep impact on one's self-confidence.

Friday, April 2, 2010

The pleasures (or pressures) of life

As I sit here, I wonder if things could have been worse. Here I am with a laptop that work NOT, which has NO operating system to let me use it, with two impending tests for which I've NOT studied. Could the life be worse? Is there only one way to solve these problems? Is the end of this life (and probably beginning of another) the only way to get me out of this hell?

I know it sounds stupid, and to those it doesn't....you are psychotic, suicidal....(You are lucky that you didn't say it on my face because I would be more than happy to take your life away)

Everyday millions of people go to sleep without food, many walk miles to get few drops of water, many sleep under the blanket of stars; and here we think our life is hell. When will we learn to appreciate what we have? When will we learn that this life is more than work, fun, computers, money,etc. When will we grow up to be called mature?

Look around you. Most of you are reading this sitting comfortably in your rooms air-conditioned to suit your needs, surrounded by metres of wires (hidden/exposed), with probably bottle(s) of water, with clothes lying scattered around....[this was the description of my room]

On one hand we have the enlightened, who supposedly have had the access to education but are still unable to bear with the slight pressures of life. On the other hand, is the suffering many, who despite the gravity of their situation fight back; fight each day, until they can't fight anymore. So what is this education about? To create humans eager to die!!!!

Lets change something today. I request my readers (who are very precious to me) to vow today, to take life as it comes; to fight back; to struggle to dominate the wave of time and never give up. I request you to appreciate what you have because you surely have that many don't and you should be thankful for that; not depressed.

PS: Inspired by a prank (that shook the hell out of me).

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Friends - A BLESSING

I've seen a lot of world and being son of an army personnel, I literally mean it. I've been to various places and I've learnt some invaluable things that I'll be sharing here.

I feel that lucky are those men/women who have people to take care of them. And I feel I'm very lucky. Here I don't want to speak about family, but friends. Friends.... a gift to most of us without which we are incomplete; a gift that should be most valued but the truth is the otherwise.

Friends...this term brings to mind a lot of names, faces and incidents. Some people that come in your life are no more than just acquaintances, but some turn into great friends. I'm lucky to have a huge circle of friends spread throughout the country. Friends who really care; friends who I can trust; friends who I can rely on. There are some incidents that are really touching that I would like to share with you:

1. One friend gives me refuge for months in his lair without any complaints in an age when children don't even like to have their parents living with them; in a world where privacy is the most important thing to most. The friend doesn't just allow me to stay over but also change his ways to suit me; is ready to leave the bed and sleep on floor and then claim that he prefers the floor to the bed.
His never-say-die attitude and the power to see that there's always a next time has got me over many disasters (referring to bad exams). He is someone I can fall back on (literally, considering that his body would cusion the fall)to find some comfort and motivation after screwing up something badly.

2. Have you ever had a friend who has danced, literally danced, with joy for your success; dancing as if it was his own success, completely forgetting about his own result? Well I'm grateful to say that I have such a friend. A friend, who understands me well; a friend who knows me inside-out; a friend with whom I can share the silliest to the most serious stuff. Both of us think very much alike (at least in some ways) and hence talking to him mostly gives me the comfort of not being a retard. I can discuss almost anything with him, be it studies, my failures/success, far-fetched and superfluous plans about future,etc...

3. Few days ago, I was chatting over the internet with a friend and cribbing about my inability to deliver my best in exams thanks to 'silly mistakes'. After a little,literally, discussion over the internet, he calls me up to console me and discuss the problem, forgetting about his own exam the next day; an exam with course that was driving him crazy. The call was 'not at all expected' and nor were his words, which in some way were comforting.
He also has the patience to hear my weird ideas/dreams, most of which are nearly unattainable now, and also agree to help me with it. He is one of the most considerate people I know, as the incident here shows, and I wish to be one like him.

4. Another 'special friend' of mine possesses the gift of looking deep inside me just through a status update (on facebook) or an article on the blog. And she won't just let me know that she knows, but she'd take the pains to draft long (really long) messages to make me see the brighter side or to make me believe that it wasn't my fault even when no one else can be held responsible for it. Amazingly those messages do the charm (to some extent) and most of my fear/regret/despair is converte to hope/happiness. She has made me feel special; made me feel confident at times I had lost hope; made things seem attainable; made me know myself better.

As I write, many more incidents flood my mind but I'm falling short of appropriate words to describe some incidents that have been engraved into my memory. I wouldn't want to forget them ever in my life as they make me feel lucky to have such great friends.

To conclude I'd like to say the following:

Friends, THANK YOU. Thank you for laughing at my silly jokes, thank you for attending my calls at late nights just to talk randomly, thank you for making me laugh at times I felt low, thank you for being there to share my happiness, thank you for being there for me , thank you for making me feel so special, thank you ...

I've gained a lot from my friends; to such an extent that it would be an understatement to say that they had a crucial role in making me what I'm today. I don't think that I've ever done anything like those mentioned above and this makes me wonder, "what have I done to deserve to know such great people?"
--- "ITS A BLESSING TO HAVE SUCH GREAT FRIENDS"---

NOTE: I'vent used names here because I'm not sure of how many of those referred to here don't mind their names appearing on this page (despite the fact that I have no other readers other than those few readers themselves).

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Searching for HOPE in RUINS

Does it pay to know? Does it ever pay to love what you do? Will practice ever prove its worth in my life?

None of the above questions is new, but the recurrence is traumatizing. These questions have come up over and over, probably since the time I was born. How many times have I been tested at something I love to do; love it much more than all others who are being tested as well. But who turns out to be more successful, not me, of course. I fail, very often, in proving my skill at what I love, and I despise this fact.

With such frequency, I would love to give up. Won't it be so easy? Or maybe just tune yourself to ignore the results of such assessments. But is the way out? Is this in some way an indication, that I'm not completely honest to what I love? Does it mean that I need to give much more time; does it mean that I haven't given n enough so far?

It seems I've failed in my effort to please someone I love, and the one who has, will now take over. I've failed despite my stronger affection; despite my appreciation of each and every thing to do with my love, while the winner doesn't and can't do the same.

But I can't lay my weapons, can I? Having come so far following my heart, I'll be nowhere if I just let go of the dream. So I'm forced to move on. All I hope, is that the love is not lost on the way, cause the only worse thing that can now happen to me is "Losing interest and still succeeding" (though that won't be success altogether).

All I want now, and will work towards, is to show my dedication to what I love and I'm sure, I'll get back all I need in return.

Friday, February 19, 2010

if(state==bored){ write blog }

Look at the watch, sigh, open the 'pdf', try to focus, sigh within seconds thinking minutes have passed, open browser, surf the net (not going to facebook) and then repeat the cycle.

Since the past 30 minutes, I've been stuck in the same cycle, multitasking and frequently switching the active program. Various thoughts surface, some of them that haunt more often are :

1. I've an exam tomorrow, I should study. Its my favourite subject but with some
boring topics.
2. To hell with the 'hardware of computers'. Who doesn't know it? (This is followed
by the answer - Me).
3. How about writing an article for my Blog? What will I write about?

So here I'm in a confused and bored state of mind. I hope that after seeing my thoughts, you'd have realised that I've a Computer Science exam tomorrow. Yes, it is the subject I like the most, but it also covers some topics that are not worth being tested. The whole idea of being asked questions to test how well you know the hardware, kills the motive to study to learn.

Well that can't be helpeed, so lets not discuss that.

but I've nothing to write about......

if(blog_idea==NULL) {end;}

Monday, February 1, 2010

31st January 2010 - - - a RED-LETTER day

After the incident described in “BASED ON A TRUE INCIDENT” yesterday, I was pretty sure that the day wasn’t going to be a good one. And soon when I couldn’t concentrate on my studies, I had this feeling that the rest of the day will be uneventful. It was expected to be boring, spent in attempt to study while my brain wandered in prohibited areas, places to be enjoyed only when time permits, only when there is no urgent matter to attend to. But after all, I’m no prophet. As always, my prediction failed me once again.

But it was partly my mistake. How could I forget that I still had one more meal to have in the hostel mess that day, and that certainly isn’t uneventful! Three times a day, most of us have critical times; times when we have to approach the mess to have a meal. We observe a fierce battle; battle between two giants, “Need” and “Desire”. As soon as we leave our rooms, a lot of questions, arguments, etc sweep across the brain. Some of the arguments are as follows :

Need : Lets go and get something to eat
Desire : Yeah, the canteen has some cool new stock, and they now even have some better chocolates.
Need : The body needs nutrition and pocket needs to have some money in it (so spend less).
Desire : F*** both. Look at all the nutrition packed food items offer. Oh the energy-bars provide som much energy. What more do you want?
Need : You know nothing what this body demands. Let me handle the issue. Just fuck off.
Desire : What do you mean I don’t know about it. You want to kill the taste-buds. You want make them swear to have no food item pass over them. You want the throat to feel the pain of improperly mixed salts/chillies. You will make them system weep. If we agree what you say....

And it goes on, becoming fiercer as we approach the dining hall and the sight of the meal flares it up even more. With the first bite in, “desire” prevails over “need” most of the times, exceptions being those frequent times when one forgets to get money out of the ATM.

A similar battle ensued the decision to have meal yesterday. Though, this time both were somewhat supportive of going to the mess, driven by the fact that the name of the dish (at least the name) matched exactly with one in the top priorities of “Desire” as well as “Need” : Chicken.

So with lesser confusion, I entered the hall, and took my share of the dish and walked away with some rotis. As I reached the table, my ears caught some flying words, “tasty”, “good”, “great by their standards” and the likes. Filled with anticipation, I took the first bite and knew what they meant.

It was another unforgetable meal, this time because of the “tasty” (a rare phenomenon) food. 31st January 2010 has been written down in the annals of the Hostel and will always be remembered as “The day the food was much more than just edible”.

Sunday, January 31, 2010

BASED ON A TRUE INCIDENT

As the temperatures started rising, the fear of water receded. Following the routine of the cold winters, the boy decided to visit the dreaded friend on alternate days only, and if possible, even lesser. But the rising temperatures coupled with repetitive use of the same pair of socks for over two days, forced him to change his thoughts about water. His body had begun to release toxins so powerful that if he hadn’t done something about it, his respiratory tract would have burned or shut down the entry points to save itself.

So gathering a lot of courage, motivated by the desire to have his respiratory tract intact, he picked up his bucket, mug and soap and entered the bathroom. After about 10 minutes, when he was all cleaned up and smelling of water, he smiled to himself, satisfied with the decision. But the smile didn’t last long.

He wanted to move the hands of the clock backwards, undo what he had done less than a quarter of an hour ago. He wanted to correct his mistake; a mistake too trivial to be made. He had broken one of the most fundamental rules of bathing. He had forgotten to carry his towel. Next moment he wanted to bang his head against the wall.

With no better option left, he stood there to test some laws of physics on evaporation of water. For once he thought of exerting some energy to heat his body to help evaporation but then the thought of the associated release of toxins came back to him and he refrained from moving a muscle. As a he decided to wait, a stream of forbidden words left his mouth addressed to the trio of himself, luck and his smart decision.

After running out of all the restricted words he knew ten times over(which took quite a while), he stopped. He learnt that evaporation does occur, but it’s a very slow process, at least when we talk about water on someone’s body. Finally, losing patience, he covered himself up in whatever clothes were left dry, ignoring the wetness over his body, and rushed back to his room.

Within the safe (and warm) zone, he quickly dried himself and swore to himself to never forget the importance of that piece of cloth. Soon after he wrote what you just read.

PS: The actual incident wasn’t as dramatic. Now I know why they actually say “BASED ON A TRUE INCIDENT”.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

One problem - 'n' years - No solution

Why do we have tests/exams?

Yes that's the question that's been bothering me throughout my academic life.

I wirte this article with an impending MATHS quiz just 11 hours (or rather lesser) away. All I have in mind.... Why the hell do I have to appear for it, or even I forget about this one, why do I have to appear for all those in the next week?

It has always been very hard for me to understand the motive behind exams. Lets assume the most common answer is the truth, "to ensure revision and make sure everything is understood".

Well, that might have been true in some age I didn't exist, because all that I've seen, the marks secured have absolutely no relation with what we know.
Do they? Aren't they suppose to have some relation. I mean, my marks in a test should reflect how much I had understood. But unfortunately(or maybe fortunately) it doesn't work that way.

Many of us have seen it over and over again. People with lesser understanding or maybe the same can end up with more marks. Leaving aside the cheating part, yet it often comes true. So if the system doesn't give the desired result, why not just scrap it.

So many times we have seen that those with great grades too can't solve practical problems. So if eventually what matters are the solutions to practical problems, why have theoretical tests.

OK. Maybe we can leave aside Maths as a lot of it is theoretical but what about others. And why the hell don't we have the right to choose what I want to study. If to this the authorities have to say that we might not know what we need to study in the field, won't we understand as we go along. Won't it be more fun if I were to realise that a topic that interests me demands me to be thorough with another topic? Won't I be more motivated to study that way? Won't I learn more that way?

I know these statements are of no value. This system and method has been prevalent since ages and it'll take a really good effort to find a more fool-proof method and even more effort to convince the authorities to change their ways.

Till any one of us comes up with that great idea (which I hope comes soon), I guess we have no option but to slog (talking about topics I don't like - not exactly counting in Maths) and show that you know it even though you don't.

All the best to all the others in the world who are trying to attain the same goal.

Friday, January 15, 2010

THE MYSTERIOUS PHENOMENON

WARNING : THIS ARTICLES CONTAINS DETAILS OF A PHENOMENON THAT MOST OF US FEAR. THIS SHOULD NOT BE READ BY THOSE WHO WILL BE HAUNTED BY THE GRUESOME DETAILS FOR A LONG DURATION.

As the article begins with a reference to a phenomenon, I would first like to name and discuss more about it. Not just to lay a strong foundation for my article but also for quietening curious mind (who are really curious to know what can be so gruesome) and again reminding readers to be sure that they really want to read this.
The phenomenon I shall be discussing is DEATH.
I’ve feared death since I was a kid. At some random nights, I just couldn’t sleep and would start crying wondering why people had to die. Wondering how will life be without someone I know. Wondering if this life was not the only one. But then recently I saw death prevail over a creature. I use the term creature because it was not a human (Thankfully).

It was a night when my friends and I were enjoying. Having fun. As we were walking on the road, dominated by pedestrians, not by vehicles, I observed a cat (the unfortunate creature) looking for a space between the human train to walk through. That was my initial interpretation. But it wasn’t looking for a chance to walk across the road; on the contrary it was looking for a chance to DASH across. Just before I walked past it, it found a space ahead of me to get in between. Now I’ll try to narrate what happened next in slow motion, the way it is all seemed when it did happen.

[Another warning for those who cannot bear the details.... STOP READING]
The cat looked around quickly (this was fast-not slow as until then I had not seen what was coming). All it must have seen was a set of humans. But I could see over people’s heads a motorcycle coming. As soon as things became clearer, (the fastest working of my brain as observed by me) a thought did flash to block the cats way and not let it through (or atleast I think the thought came to me—let’s not discuss that now). But it was already too late. It had dashed across the seemingly empty road ahead.

Then came the horrifying moment. First an attempt to speed across (by both—cat and rider) and then an instantaneous change of decision and a failed attempt to halt (again by both). The collision was definitely fatal. One with the head of the cat and the head of the beast driven across. The hit was very bad or probably the best. Though it did kill the cat, but did so very quickly. As far as my knowledge spans, its brain went numb and was unaware of the pain that followed immediately afterwards. The body jumped about as though trying to revive itself, trying call for help as life made an exit. But in vain. All we could do was to hold our breaths and watch a life end.

That moment I realised, that’s how death is. One moment you are perfectly fine and next moment your body moves into its final fits.

I do not know how to end this article. Maybe I’ll just STOP, just like the cat just ceased to live anymore. AND THAT WAS IT.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Did they choose wisely????

Four boys sitting in a typical boy’s room, discussing a topic typical for such boys—girls. Laughing, abusing and making clear their feeling of envy at appropriate moments, they scrolled down the list of female acquaintances in each other’s friend list. Then, the topic slowly shifted to the next best topic –placement.

With a very clear picture of what was happening, one of them showed how much he regretted coming to the reputed institute. Others try to defend the institute’s image, not driven by a feeling of belongingness but an attempt to defend their own decision to be there. Soon, the argument is over. All sit there discussing not the magnificence of their college, but the loop-holes in the system. Then all of them start pointing out causes, pointing out the unsuccessful ventures of the institute’s leaders, pointing out the outsider’s opinion of the insiders, pointing out the dead end that the institute is headed towards.

Within half an-hour, they disperse to return to their personal tasks; only superficially, deep down each one of them worries about his future, remembers his efforts, questions his decisions and tries to find a way to evade doing so again within the next few years.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

A piece of fiction ---Or is It????


Note : I'm sorry to those who found my previous article confusing (as I myself found it very confusing when I read it). In future (sometime in future--definitely not this article), I shall keep in mind to make my language lucid (not only for my readers, but for me as well)



As a lover of computer science, genetics, biology and evolution, I‘ve always if it is possible to merge all of them. I’ve always wondered if it is possible to create a virtual world that knows nothing but the basic laws of nature and has all the chemicals we started with; then can it create a sequence of events that can help understand evolution. What if such a virtual world could also be made physical? Can’t provide a suitable environment, not to study the birth of life as we know it but in the form of robots? Imagine the following:
Let’s say some day we succeed in creating bots so small that they are to nano-bots exactly what cells are to us. So, then can we create an environment, not virtual, full of all the basic materials necessary for creation and living of a bot, and leave the world to flourish in a glass chamber in a laboratory. The world will have absolutely no interference from the creator: humans. That world will be unaware of how it was created. Can’t it flourish successfully?
The thought that actually is the foundation of this article is still to come. The world should flourish in a similar fashion. That world, too, at some stage should host a set of creatures (can’t exactly call them bots anymore as they are completely independent) which are like humans. (Remember, here we assume that they do not attain the size of humans, but yes they should definitely be larger than the bots that initiated the process : hence I first assumed the existence of a bot that is like a cell to a nano-bot). But if something like humans does evolve, those bots will start questioning and hunting for answers. They will soon have defined the laws that drive them (which can be different from how we are driven). And then they too will come at the huge question. Who created us? Why are we here? What are we supposed to do? Why do we live if we eventually have to die? Throughout this process, the creator is aware of all these happenings (though not the specific turnout of events but a general growth trend monitored with the help of a super-computer itself). So, to encounter these questions what does the creator do? Nothing, just sits and wait for the outcome of such questions. Remember, all this while, the bots are living in a contained chamber; a chamber of which they are either unaware or have not yet found a way to break through. But till when can such a chamber restrict them? Till when can their thought-restrictions (probably implanted by us) drive them to believe that it can’t be broken? One day they shall find a way to break-through such a chamber. One day they shall understand that they are nothing but test subjects for a completely alien species; a species that has a different time-domain, a species that created them just to understand how things work and how things evolved.


At this dramatic point, they shall try to escape; try to enter the real world; try to find answers to some truly disturbing questions. At this point they would forget about all kinds of restrictions that they have either learned or were either taught to them by their creator (without their knowledge). At this point any code (as they are mainly bots) that was supposed to restrict their thoughts would be over-written or re-written to defy any such limitation on them. And then what?
Their life would be no more as we wish to study, their life ‘s aim has shifted to meeting their creator, meeting their GOD. But will humans allow it? Will they just let them prepare them to break through the barrier? Of course not. Realising the potential danger, humans will pull the plug, put an end, terminate this world.


And that is what they’ll call the doomsday!!!!


This is definitely a work of fiction, a work of science fiction. This work might never come true in the real-life ( and I actually hope that most of the things I said are utterly rubbish). But despite being an atheist, I’ve always wondered one thing : What if we are these test subjects? What if some unimaginable creatures created us to study their growth? Why is not possible that like we are trying to interpret about life, someone else is trying to find the solution to the same problem?

Give it a thought.

PS : This article doesn’t question my disbelief in God, as for me God (if at all) is to us what humans were to those bots (in this piece of fiction). They were just creators, but not controllers. They are mortals as well (except that their time-domain is entirely different).

Another end note : At the very end when I used the phrase “different time-domain”, I realised that this shall always remain a work of fiction as different time-domain somehow seems to contradict the idea of relativity. Though I’m not even close to being a master at that subject, this in some way seems to deny the theory (and since Einstein has way more credibility than me, it is better that we stick to his theory). Though I would seriously like to hear that it is possible.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

HUMAN PSYCHOLOGY

STATUTORY WARNING : This article is not meant for those with short attention span cause this spans a lot of issues some so deep in the article that I myself have lost count. So all the best for the few readers who shall read this article.

WARNING (part II) : This was written as when thoughts surfaced so please ignore the randomness of the various parts and paragraphs.

Yesterday I had a four hour long chat with a long lost friend; I don’t exactly know why I mention this but something in that discussion led to a chain of thoughts that is the foundation of this article.

Last year, in April, I sat for the most important exam of my life, JEE. Eventually, I landed up in this institute IIT Guwahati with my dream subject, COMPUTER SCIENCE. Sitting outside, preparing day and night to come to this institute, I had thought a lot about how this place would look like from the inside. I had always imagined it to be a place rarely found, a place where the thinkers reside, a place where there’s no restriction on thinking, a place that, in short, stimulates dead neurons to life and create miracles. I thought it as a place where everything was secondary to learning. But I sit here disappointed. Were my expectations too much to ask for? But is this the real question????

Confused.....so am I! Let me try to be clearer. These days all my thoughts about IIT-G and course structure revolves around my concern over my grades. So should this one. When I arrived here, I had it all planned up. How I would learn all there’s is to computers and try something new in due course of time. But my ideas and plans were all vaporised once I spent a few weeks here. Completely deviated from my path, I forgot my long term goal and even though I could do better, ruined my grades. I blame my seniors for this. For teaching me to ignore studies, teaching me to disrespect the value of learning, disrespecting my own vision.
But now comes the true question.... Are they really to be blamed? Yes, I do remember being woken up at odd times to do some of their stupid tasks; I remember being abused at for not doing their work properly; I remember myself planning excuses lest shall encounter someone on my way. But now as the haze lifts off from the unclear past, I ask myself: was it not me who wasted time sleeping 10 hours when he could have studied? Was it not me who spent hours discussing with friends what assholes are our seniors? Was it not me thinking over how I would like to kill the seniors who had just abused me and thinking over it until I had spent hours on it?
So are they really to be blamed? Next is the adaptation issue... or is it? Did the pathetic food in mess and memories of home actually hinder my studies? Or was it just another excuse?
This brings me to my concern: We all at some phases of life hold someone else responsible for ruining how we had planned it, but in this effort to save our ego, we create a hypothetical memory of the incident ourselves. We remember else’s fault more clearly than our own. We cover up our faults in our narration to others. And that’s precisely what I did until a few days ago. Now I take up the responsibility, not of my future (as atheists are generally expected to say), but of my past. I accept that it was more of my fault than theirs. I accept that I could have countered each of their moves and kept myself on the track. I could have out-spoken them and still not created a hostile environment.
But why do we do this? In my opinion, brain is nothing but a super-advanced computer. Nature, in the form of brain laughs at us as it shows that it is ages ahead (not behind-as we would want to think) of us. Brain is a living computer with electric signals being transmitted by neurons, where sodium and potassium play the role of silicon and copper wires. Still not convinced? Let’s see, what’s the basic purpose of computers? To solve problems and so is that of brain. Each thing in life is a set of problems, from the point of getting up from bed to going back to walking to speaking to learning to thinking. All these can eventually be broken into some basic problems, and eventually the brain has programs to solve them (we just don’t know the algorithm completely otherwise Artificial Intelligence wouldn’t have been a distant vision).
Why would a computer try to excuse itself? Why would it try to not accept its mistake? How does that actually help? Psychology says that it’s our nature to protect our ego, but I ask why? At what loss are we if we do accept that we too can commit mistakes, mistakes so grand that we might have to regret them all our life? These questions trouble me. Why can’t I sit and write this very article happily despite knowing I was the one responsible for what I’ve ruined? Why does this realisation have to be such a burden, such a pain? Why?
Consider a computer.... never commits a calculation error, does it? None. So many would now be happy to claim that brain is not a computer after all. I disagree again. In life, there’s no perfect answer. Brain does some calculation on the basis of its inputs and prior knowledge and decides a step which it seems best (which probably is based on probability). So why does it go wrong (wrong here doesn’t imply incorrect but a decision which is not actually the best)? I probably think it is based on incorrect inputs or pool of incorrect knowledge.
This possibly explains some of my mistakes. The pool of knowledge, in case of living entity, should also include its own behaviour (which in itself is a huge topic to discuss). And here I fail desperately. I’m probably the most gullible person on this earth. And that could be the basis of all this trouble I’m facing now....
I guess I’ve eaten up a lot of my readers’ head without much productive coming out of this article. So I shall conclude.

PS : in the line where i blame my credulity, I’ve again made an attempt to cover some of my flaws, though not intentionally. This brain is a tough thing to understand.

Saturday, January 2, 2010

A day to be forgetten and yet remembered

This day came back to me as a memory many months (actually almost two years) after it actually occurred. The importance of that day in my life is now apparent, but then I ignored it. A huge incident occurred that day. Someone decided to end her life. I wouldn’t ask why such a decision was made, not because I’m scared of the discussion that’ll follow about how another existed, but because I’m aware of the causes and the decision made was desperate; one made in haste to get relief from the excruciating pain, none physical but majorly mental. The pain, as I see it, was definitely unbearable. And now when I look back , I can (for the first time) understand what actually a person who commits suicide feels. One feels things moving out of his hands, things that cannot be corrected and wishes that the other side of life is more pleasing. One wishes to start afresh, to be a baby again, to grow up again as he thinks he would have wanted to and then get back in a more desirable position, one in which he doesn’t find himself at fault, in which time cannot indict him of his mistakes . But does this truly happen?
I’m an atheist and I know just one thing, this life is all you have. But looking at that person, who according to me is an epitome of strength, fail to control the sudden burst and temptation to end this temporarily-out-of-place life, I doubt if I’ll be able to resist such a temptation when I too fall in deep shit (as the New Generation calls it).
But the importance is not in reviewing the cause of the incident but in analysing what happened afterwards. If that day, the person’s wish had been granted by the so-called GOD, my life would have been turned upside down. With all my motivation lost, I’d have ruined all my future and landed up in a place nowhere close to the one I’m in now (IIT-G). But this is when I look at the incident from a personal and selfish point of view. Some of the people who would have been immensely affected by the incident are either unaware that it happened or are ignoring its importance like I did until yesterday.
That is probably the only desire made by the person that I’m happy has not been fulfilled; happy not just for myself but also for the person as well.
Only one message to my readers : Think of this as the glimpse inside the brain of a suicide victim (a suicide victim, according to me, is not one who commits the crime but his relatives who actually suffer the absence of the person) and think twice before making such a decision.