A Listener

At times I feel that I've been through a lot; when all the explanation and methods to motivate oneself fails; times when looking at those suffering even more doesn't help you think that you are better off; times when all I want to do is talk, talk my heart out.

At such times, all I seek is a "listener". Someone who would listen; listen to all that I have to say but not judge, not comment, not reason, not explain, not console, not argue ; but just listen and from time-to-time just nod or make a sign to show that there is still someone listening to me.

If only there was such a listener, I'd talk; talk about anything and everything in this world, in my life and in everyone else's life. From the big-bang theory to doomsday, from string theory to rocket science, from Genetics to Psychology to Computer Science, from friends to parents, from my heart to brain, my past to aspirations, from success to my regrets, from sense to non-sense; just about anything.

I don't know if that will help, but such moments are rare but definitely not short-lived. And when significant time has passed without such a listener, the desire seems to fade out, as if on losing hope to ever finding such a listener.

At some stages of this feeling, I wonder how easy it would be to get high; how good an excuse it would be to just let out your emotions and not be taken seriously; how good an excuse to just laugh, or cry, or scream, or shout. But what separates me from attaining it is just one simple promise, a promise to no-one else but myself, and that makes it harder.

Towards the end :: A Diary Entry

1:44 am

Why can't I revert back the arms of the clock? Why can't I correct my mistakes? Why is this world so harsh on me? WHY? WHY?

No one is here for me..No one answers me..no one cares for me...

What can I do? No marks, no grades, no hope....this life's a complete waste...What shall I do???WHAT??

I remember how happy I used to be as a kid. No worry about anything. Everyone used to care for me, everyone loved me and everyone forgave me for my mistakes. WHY can't the same happen now? Why can't people just ignore my past?

BUT there is one way!! I can RESTART..restart as a baby..grow up to be a child again and then not make the same mistakes again...
I'm sorry mom...sorry for making you so upset...sorry for being so rude, so inconsiderate....Mom, I'm sorry for not being a good son....In the next birth I would want to be your son once again and make you happy....make you proud.

I've decided to end this life..a life that has been ruined..a life that is no more worth living. . .. Before I leave this world, I apologize for my mistakes and ask for mercy...

1:50

As I walk towards the highest point in the area, I can see the sun rising. Oh what a beautiful sight!! But alas, the last one I'm going to see in this life! Birds glide over me with their wings spread apart...making an elegant dive over the pond and then skimming over the water... I wish I could fly away like the birds. I wish I could be one of them.....

I've reached the highest point, I stand at the edge. I look down...it surely will kill me...I close my eyes..Memories...mom and dad scolding me, my examination papers, my successful friends, face of one I love -- fragments of my ruined life...I must do it. This is the only way I can get away.

I take one step forward and let myself fall. . .The fall feels amazing, easier than I had imagined... Faces of friends and family flash through my shut eyes...my mom's face..so beautiful, so calming...I hold the image...I want to hold the image forever...but what is happening to her face, she's crying...why .. what happened mom? I hear her words, "Why son! Why did you leave me? Was I so harsh on you?" . .. no mom..its not your fault.. I want to see her, explain to her..and I don't want to make her cry....I want her happy...I want to make you proud mom... I DON'T WANT TO DIE... until now the fall was slow, but now I'm falling fast, very fast and I don't like it. I wish I could fly... .I flap my arms like wings but alas, I can't....Mom, I'm sorry...I really am....HELP ME ..


Newspaper Headline : Another student crumbles under pressure.


PS : Only a piece of fiction.

No clue why I wrote it and why I wanted to share it. But I know this isn't what I will ever do in my life. Hope others can say the same thing.

One year -One full circle --A tribute to JEE-09

On 12th April 2009, I gave the most important exam of my life; so important that I've devoted many of my blog-articles in memory of the exam; and here is another one, on the first anniversary of 'MY' version of IIT-JEE.

Never before had I given so much importance to anything in my life. Never before had I wanted something so desperately in life. That exam holds a huge significance in my life, and in life of all those who have given the exam at some point of time. I don't want to talk about the IITs and related benefits et cetera; but I want to talk about just about IIT-JEE and its impact.

This exam, given by over 4 lakh students each year, changes the life of many and it changed mine too. Now, it is not just the mere acievement that is memorable but so is the journey. It is hard to believe that I could commit myself to it to such an extent that everything else seemed insignificant. Even the pleasure of watching a movie seemed worthless (I recollect myself watching some good movies and 3-4x their actual speed). The journey, and its successful culmination, has a left a mark on me (not like that on Harry Potter). Every challenge now seems attainable; nothing in this world seems impossible. Now, there lies in some part of my heart, a desire to take up new challenges just for the pleasure when it is achieved. Now, my age old dream to leave a mark on the society seems possible. Now, it seems that "I can" do what I commit myself to or rather I 'KNOW' I can.


Now -one year after the exam, one year since the end of the "TOUGH TIMES", one year since the end of "THE EXAM - IIT JEE 2009" - I know the importance of this exam : it lies not in the subsequent admission to IITs but in the deep impact on one's self-confidence.

The pleasures (or pressures) of life

As I sit here, I wonder if things could have been worse. Here I am with a laptop that work NOT, which has NO operating system to let me use it, with two impending tests for which I've NOT studied. Could the life be worse? Is there only one way to solve these problems? Is the end of this life (and probably beginning of another) the only way to get me out of this hell?

I know it sounds stupid, and to those it doesn't....you are psychotic, suicidal....(You are lucky that you didn't say it on my face because I would be more than happy to take your life away)

Everyday millions of people go to sleep without food, many walk miles to get few drops of water, many sleep under the blanket of stars; and here we think our life is hell. When will we learn to appreciate what we have? When will we learn that this life is more than work, fun, computers, money,etc. When will we grow up to be called mature?

Look around you. Most of you are reading this sitting comfortably in your rooms air-conditioned to suit your needs, surrounded by metres of wires (hidden/exposed), with probably bottle(s) of water, with clothes lying scattered around....[this was the description of my room]

On one hand we have the enlightened, who supposedly have had the access to education but are still unable to bear with the slight pressures of life. On the other hand, is the suffering many, who despite the gravity of their situation fight back; fight each day, until they can't fight anymore. So what is this education about? To create humans eager to die!!!!

Lets change something today. I request my readers (who are very precious to me) to vow today, to take life as it comes; to fight back; to struggle to dominate the wave of time and never give up. I request you to appreciate what you have because you surely have that many don't and you should be thankful for that; not depressed.

PS: Inspired by a prank (that shook the hell out of me).

Searching for HOPE in RUINS

Does it pay to know? Does it ever pay to love what you do? Will practice ever prove its worth in my life?

None of the above questions is new, but the recurrence is traumatizing. These questions have come up over and over, probably since the time I was born. How many times have I been tested at something I love to do; love it much more than all others who are being tested as well. But who turns out to be more successful, not me, of course. I fail, very often, in proving my skill at what I love, and I despise this fact.

With such frequency, I would love to give up. Won't it be so easy? Or maybe just tune yourself to ignore the results of such assessments. But is the way out? Is this in some way an indication, that I'm not completely honest to what I love? Does it mean that I need to give much more time; does it mean that I haven't given n enough so far?

It seems I've failed in my effort to please someone I love, and the one who has, will now take over. I've failed despite my stronger affection; despite my appreciation of each and every thing to do with my love, while the winner doesn't and can't do the same.

But I can't lay my weapons, can I? Having come so far following my heart, I'll be nowhere if I just let go of the dream. So I'm forced to move on. All I hope, is that the love is not lost on the way, cause the only worse thing that can now happen to me is "Losing interest and still succeeding" (though that won't be success altogether).

All I want now, and will work towards, is to show my dedication to what I love and I'm sure, I'll get back all I need in return.

A day to be forgetten and yet remembered

This day came back to me as a memory many months (actually almost two years) after it actually occurred. The importance of that day in my life is now apparent, but then I ignored it. A huge incident occurred that day. Someone decided to end her life. I wouldn’t ask why such a decision was made, not because I’m scared of the discussion that’ll follow about how another existed, but because I’m aware of the causes and the decision made was desperate; one made in haste to get relief from the excruciating pain, none physical but majorly mental. The pain, as I see it, was definitely unbearable. And now when I look back , I can (for the first time) understand what actually a person who commits suicide feels. One feels things moving out of his hands, things that cannot be corrected and wishes that the other side of life is more pleasing. One wishes to start afresh, to be a baby again, to grow up again as he thinks he would have wanted to and then get back in a more desirable position, one in which he doesn’t find himself at fault, in which time cannot indict him of his mistakes . But does this truly happen?
I’m an atheist and I know just one thing, this life is all you have. But looking at that person, who according to me is an epitome of strength, fail to control the sudden burst and temptation to end this temporarily-out-of-place life, I doubt if I’ll be able to resist such a temptation when I too fall in deep shit (as the New Generation calls it).
But the importance is not in reviewing the cause of the incident but in analysing what happened afterwards. If that day, the person’s wish had been granted by the so-called GOD, my life would have been turned upside down. With all my motivation lost, I’d have ruined all my future and landed up in a place nowhere close to the one I’m in now (IIT-G). But this is when I look at the incident from a personal and selfish point of view. Some of the people who would have been immensely affected by the incident are either unaware that it happened or are ignoring its importance like I did until yesterday.
That is probably the only desire made by the person that I’m happy has not been fulfilled; happy not just for myself but also for the person as well.
Only one message to my readers : Think of this as the glimpse inside the brain of a suicide victim (a suicide victim, according to me, is not one who commits the crime but his relatives who actually suffer the absence of the person) and think twice before making such a decision.

A very common battlefield called LIFE

Almost 8 months ago, I had a gone through a fierce battle, so fierce and grand in magnitude that it'll be appropriate to call it a WAR. With lot of hopes, expectations and eyes on me, I went out for the war. Well prepared, confident and with a definite target in my eyes. But alas, as said earlier, things don't work as we want them to. But what was to blame this time was not by laziness, but my attentiveness. Whatever was the cause, the outcome was not pleasing. In a tussel, many lost all they had but again I came out with severe bruises and injuries. Though still I managed to get my hands on my goal, those marks serve as memories to the horrifying day. Friends crying, both for themselves and others, hope lost, faith lost. It was one of those few times when death seems such a good option. The option to start all over seems so enticing, sometimes better than getting any rewards for the unsatisfactory performance. But then time passes, and healing begins. Some vows taken, promises made and the journey continues. One such promise was, "This shall be my worst experience, and no other in future".

"Promises are meant to be broken". And soon we end up on the path of tragedy again. Despite clear indication of a tough time ahead I took less pains. No pain no gain. So when came the brutal time, I as beaten (not to death) among many others (a consolation). Still to survive with new marks and the old ones. The old bruises bleed as new. And bleed even more when I see long lost friends bleeding not at all (engaged in different battle). I know I shall not compare, but its hard to accept, how the members of the same team end up in different positions and perform differently. Some like me lose their mind (and hence their way) while others stick to their path.

As I see them around me, a feeling of envy rises within me. An anger, not caused by others success but my failure, not in battle, but the failure to try my best.

But just like sun shines over us after every dark night, hope rises within me. This was a meager battle. The war can still be won.