Wednesday, October 6, 2010

A Listener

At times I feel that I've been through a lot; when all the explanation and methods to motivate oneself fails; times when looking at those suffering even more doesn't help you think that you are better off; times when all I want to do is talk, talk my heart out.

At such times, all I seek is a "listener". Someone who would listen; listen to all that I have to say but not judge, not comment, not reason, not explain, not console, not argue ; but just listen and from time-to-time just nod or make a sign to show that there is still someone listening to me.

If only there was such a listener, I'd talk; talk about anything and everything in this world, in my life and in everyone else's life. From the big-bang theory to doomsday, from string theory to rocket science, from Genetics to Psychology to Computer Science, from friends to parents, from my heart to brain, my past to aspirations, from success to my regrets, from sense to non-sense; just about anything.

I don't know if that will help, but such moments are rare but definitely not short-lived. And when significant time has passed without such a listener, the desire seems to fade out, as if on losing hope to ever finding such a listener.

At some stages of this feeling, I wonder how easy it would be to get high; how good an excuse it would be to just let out your emotions and not be taken seriously; how good an excuse to just laugh, or cry, or scream, or shout. But what separates me from attaining it is just one simple promise, a promise to no-one else but myself, and that makes it harder.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

That ONE decision

There are times when you regret some decisions; decisions that were important not just in your life, but to many more. You wish to say something, do something to undo what has been done; to undo the damage caused. All you hope for is that those hurt by the decision will forgive you; forgive you for making the choice. Some decisions can't be undone, sometimes talking about them only makes things worse and any attempt to make things better could only worsen the situation. All you can wish for is to travel back in time and change just "that one" moment of your life; to be able to make things better, maybe not perfect, but definitely better.

The thought of that one decision gone wrong can ruin a lot. It can choke your capability of making any more decisions; decisions that are similar and affect not just you but some others. Quoting a friend of mine, " A little doubt is good, it helps you make better analysed decisions; but too much of it just ruins it". Everytime you come close to making some choice, you are haunted by the memories of that 'one' wrong choice.

The toughest part is that you can't even "ask" for forgiveness. Not because you are afraid to find yourself indicted; but the fact that bringing up the topic could make the other person re-live some of the painful moments, make him regret his own decision of thinking that you were at fault. You are reluctant since discussing it with the person would just lead to the transfer of this intolerable guilt and that is not a comforting option either.

At such times, all you CAN do is hope that you are forgiven. Only if there was a way to forget it all, only if you could just not ponder over it again. You hope that the other person would know the other side of the story someday; someday when it no longer means anything to him, someday when the impact of the revelation wouldn't at all be significant, someday when the person is done with all the musing over the topic. But until then, all you do is wait for that day, and hope against hope that you, above all, will forgive yourself.