Searching for HOPE in RUINS

Does it pay to know? Does it ever pay to love what you do? Will practice ever prove its worth in my life?

None of the above questions is new, but the recurrence is traumatizing. These questions have come up over and over, probably since the time I was born. How many times have I been tested at something I love to do; love it much more than all others who are being tested as well. But who turns out to be more successful, not me, of course. I fail, very often, in proving my skill at what I love, and I despise this fact.

With such frequency, I would love to give up. Won't it be so easy? Or maybe just tune yourself to ignore the results of such assessments. But is the way out? Is this in some way an indication, that I'm not completely honest to what I love? Does it mean that I need to give much more time; does it mean that I haven't given n enough so far?

It seems I've failed in my effort to please someone I love, and the one who has, will now take over. I've failed despite my stronger affection; despite my appreciation of each and every thing to do with my love, while the winner doesn't and can't do the same.

But I can't lay my weapons, can I? Having come so far following my heart, I'll be nowhere if I just let go of the dream. So I'm forced to move on. All I hope, is that the love is not lost on the way, cause the only worse thing that can now happen to me is "Losing interest and still succeeding" (though that won't be success altogether).

All I want now, and will work towards, is to show my dedication to what I love and I'm sure, I'll get back all I need in return.

if(state==bored){ write blog }

Look at the watch, sigh, open the 'pdf', try to focus, sigh within seconds thinking minutes have passed, open browser, surf the net (not going to facebook) and then repeat the cycle.

Since the past 30 minutes, I've been stuck in the same cycle, multitasking and frequently switching the active program. Various thoughts surface, some of them that haunt more often are :

1. I've an exam tomorrow, I should study. Its my favourite subject but with some
boring topics.
2. To hell with the 'hardware of computers'. Who doesn't know it? (This is followed
by the answer - Me).
3. How about writing an article for my Blog? What will I write about?

So here I'm in a confused and bored state of mind. I hope that after seeing my thoughts, you'd have realised that I've a Computer Science exam tomorrow. Yes, it is the subject I like the most, but it also covers some topics that are not worth being tested. The whole idea of being asked questions to test how well you know the hardware, kills the motive to study to learn.

Well that can't be helpeed, so lets not discuss that.

but I've nothing to write about......

if(blog_idea==NULL) {end;}

31st January 2010 - - - a RED-LETTER day

After the incident described in “BASED ON A TRUE INCIDENT” yesterday, I was pretty sure that the day wasn’t going to be a good one. And soon when I couldn’t concentrate on my studies, I had this feeling that the rest of the day will be uneventful. It was expected to be boring, spent in attempt to study while my brain wandered in prohibited areas, places to be enjoyed only when time permits, only when there is no urgent matter to attend to. But after all, I’m no prophet. As always, my prediction failed me once again.

But it was partly my mistake. How could I forget that I still had one more meal to have in the hostel mess that day, and that certainly isn’t uneventful! Three times a day, most of us have critical times; times when we have to approach the mess to have a meal. We observe a fierce battle; battle between two giants, “Need” and “Desire”. As soon as we leave our rooms, a lot of questions, arguments, etc sweep across the brain. Some of the arguments are as follows :

Need : Lets go and get something to eat
Desire : Yeah, the canteen has some cool new stock, and they now even have some better chocolates.
Need : The body needs nutrition and pocket needs to have some money in it (so spend less).
Desire : F*** both. Look at all the nutrition packed food items offer. Oh the energy-bars provide som much energy. What more do you want?
Need : You know nothing what this body demands. Let me handle the issue. Just fuck off.
Desire : What do you mean I don’t know about it. You want to kill the taste-buds. You want make them swear to have no food item pass over them. You want the throat to feel the pain of improperly mixed salts/chillies. You will make them system weep. If we agree what you say....

And it goes on, becoming fiercer as we approach the dining hall and the sight of the meal flares it up even more. With the first bite in, “desire” prevails over “need” most of the times, exceptions being those frequent times when one forgets to get money out of the ATM.

A similar battle ensued the decision to have meal yesterday. Though, this time both were somewhat supportive of going to the mess, driven by the fact that the name of the dish (at least the name) matched exactly with one in the top priorities of “Desire” as well as “Need” : Chicken.

So with lesser confusion, I entered the hall, and took my share of the dish and walked away with some rotis. As I reached the table, my ears caught some flying words, “tasty”, “good”, “great by their standards” and the likes. Filled with anticipation, I took the first bite and knew what they meant.

It was another unforgetable meal, this time because of the “tasty” (a rare phenomenon) food. 31st January 2010 has been written down in the annals of the Hostel and will always be remembered as “The day the food was much more than just edible”.