Waiting for someone to change my mind

How many of you have been in a situation where a part of you wants to stay but you must leave a place. All you want is someone to call out from the back and suggest an alternative or offer you to stay. What do you do ? How long do you wait for someone to call out ? What if no one does ? What if someone does call out but yet the reason/excuse they offer is not convincing to you ?

Now picturize yourself making a very important decision of your life. You have set your mind on something; it is not the convention but it was what you think your heart desires. At the same time, you want someone to come by and show you the mistake you are making. Observe, I don't use the word 'tell' you about the mistake, instead they should be able to convince you. Why is that you can't make up your mind yourself ? Don't you know what you want ? Or is that you want the decision to be in else's hands so that later in life if things go wrong, or you mess up, you can point that indicting finger towards him/her and curse him for the rest of your life ? Is having a fall-back guilty guy more important than doing what might be the most important thing in your life ?

Brain does work in mysterious ways, doesn't it ? In an attempt to avoid guilt (which might never be faced) , one is ready to ruin his life ; life that cannot be lived twice.  

A computer as my brain !!!

All through my life, I've understood brain as nothing more than a 'super-duper' computer. But as things happen and life gets more complicated, the 'basic' understanding seems so wrong.

How I wish the brain was a computer? Why do I think so, following are the reasons :-

1. It would be possible to 'clearly' enunciate all the thoughts in the mind (in technical jargon, all the processes running) and pick out the ones you would like to eliminate.

2. Your brain would be rendered incapable of playing tricks on your while you were sleeping by introducing thoughts and ideas that only use the 'processor' power and yield no outcome at all.

3. There would be an option to 'erase' memories; you could erase that you dislike or that cause a conflict with other 'memories' and thoughts.

4. Thoughts/memories once erased need not POP-UP and it would be impossible to relate to something you don't want, no matter how much one forces you to.

5. One could achieve a more 'emotionless' state and not get attached to every other thing or person in this life, making things so much more simpler and making life all about survival WITHOUT PURPOSE.

6. One would feel no pain, physical or psychological.

7. It would be easier for anyone else to look into a person and understand his state, and hence would resolve a lot of communication gaps.

Well, most of the 'advantages' listed above could easily be overpowered by something like a virus, but here I'm talking about more secure systems, preferably GNU/Linux based systems. ;-)

In any case, such a situation is entirely a DREAM, which itself is a concept of the mind, and would be absent from something that resembles a computer. Dream, a concept which can be as lethal as it is beautiful.

As can be seen in the small discussion above, this brain of mine just doesn't know what it wants and that is the 'worst' and the 'best' part of this exceptional piece of work. What do you guys think would be the advantages or disadvantages of having a computer instead of a brain ?

Accept or Deny ?

Denial is one of the most common responses of human to prevent himself from facing or accepting a harsh truth. It allows the person to accept what he wants and live life accordingly and make appropriate changes to his ideology. Escaping from reality is something that humans try often; some succeed, some don't. 

Is that what I'm doing? Denying ; denying that I'm falling into it; denying that I can't keep her outside my head. Am I trying to escape confessing the truth; the truth that I too can be shaken by someone, shaken to the core, shaken and left to ask for more. Am I 'running away' and more importantly, 'can' I run away from this?

When someONE demands more space in your head but part of you wants to deny the mere existence of such an idea, you are headed into a war; a war not fought with guns or swords, but with tools more powerful; tools that can render the brain temporarily useless. But surprisingly, whichever side wins, YOU, and no one else, are the loser. 

So, denial or acceptance, which shall it be then ? 

The man in the mirror

At some point of our lives or other, each one of has lied. Be it a lie as innocent as denying the responsibility of have broken a plate or be it as grave us deceiving a man into giving you some money. Nevertheless, they are all lies, and we all are liars. Each one of us knows what it is to lie to someone else. The nervousness involved, the risk, the relief when it is over. But what does it feel like to lie to oneself? How does it feel to make oneself believe something false?

Is it something that we don't know, or is it something that we all know? Do we know ourselves? Do you think you are who you think you are? Is the man in the mirror the same as the one on this side? Am I the same person on the inside as I appear to the outside world or are there secrets that should always remain within lest the world for me would be no more the way I know it now? And even worse, do I know those secrets myself?

Some of my readers have asked me whether I feel exposed when I know that people can read my thoughts on this blog. But the real question is, "Are these really my thoughts or is it just an attempt to paint a picture of myself as I would like to be perceived?". Or to rephrase it, "Don't I know that people read it? So won't I make sure that you read what I want you to?". These are the questions that should trouble the readers. As for me, the more disturbing question is "Is it me?" or to be more frank, "Do I know myself?"

2 years ago, for someone in my life, I had written an essay describing myself; describing myself as I saw myself. But as days, weeks, months passed; I began to realize the differences in the 'perceived' me and the 'real' me. Since then, I know that I've lost track of where the lies end and the truth begins. I am still looking for the answer and although I'd be glad to be not the only one lost, I wish that none of you end up with me. The absence of the knowledge about the real self takes away the confidence and fills one with doubt; it scares one to be close to someone for the fear of hurting him/her or oneself; one can no more expect others to understand him because their perception is based on his exterior; one is ever doubtful about his own goals and ambitions which at some stage were as clear as the October sky.

I'd conclude with the question, "Is the one with the above doubts the same as the one writing this post?"

A Listener

At times I feel that I've been through a lot; when all the explanation and methods to motivate oneself fails; times when looking at those suffering even more doesn't help you think that you are better off; times when all I want to do is talk, talk my heart out.

At such times, all I seek is a "listener". Someone who would listen; listen to all that I have to say but not judge, not comment, not reason, not explain, not console, not argue ; but just listen and from time-to-time just nod or make a sign to show that there is still someone listening to me.

If only there was such a listener, I'd talk; talk about anything and everything in this world, in my life and in everyone else's life. From the big-bang theory to doomsday, from string theory to rocket science, from Genetics to Psychology to Computer Science, from friends to parents, from my heart to brain, my past to aspirations, from success to my regrets, from sense to non-sense; just about anything.

I don't know if that will help, but such moments are rare but definitely not short-lived. And when significant time has passed without such a listener, the desire seems to fade out, as if on losing hope to ever finding such a listener.

At some stages of this feeling, I wonder how easy it would be to get high; how good an excuse it would be to just let out your emotions and not be taken seriously; how good an excuse to just laugh, or cry, or scream, or shout. But what separates me from attaining it is just one simple promise, a promise to no-one else but myself, and that makes it harder.

Magical LOVE

Quoting a man wiser than me :

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. ........"

To a man who always thought that the brain is the most important part of the body, these lines somehow bring forth the problem behind *Love*. It beats all sense; all understanding and yet it is something everyone wants to experience.

Something as simple as a smile, a look, a comment, a remark; just about anything which should otherwise not even be discussed, can suddenly change the way one perceives the world. Just one single undefined response from the body, the unexplained surge of chemicals can lead to ecstasy, a feeling like no another. A feeling that blocks out all cognition; that slows down the brain and you can feel the blood rushing to another part of the body; the HEART. Suddenly, you can feel your heart; pumping against your chest as if struggling not to be torn apart by all the blood inside; the chest struggling to keep it inside.

And it would be less sinful if it would just end there; the feeling persists, although not strongly enough, but feeble enough to make you crave for more. All your mental resources are occupied; occupied by a thought you can't mold into words, but occupied all the same. And its not just the waking hours that are affected, the sleep to is infected by the thought in the form of dreams. And as if the dreams' purpose was not just to keep fresh in your mind the feeling and leave you aching for more, but it is also shrewd enough to making you accept that you want more of the dream itself, which those with medical backgrounds can understand is, in itself, disastrous.

And when, at some rare occasions, you do succeed in intervening the enigmatic set of emotions and attempt to introduce reason; things get worse, as now your conscious mind makes sure that the feeling is not simply forgotten. On those even rarer occasions when you win the battle over the unexplainable by sense and logic, it is all ruined as soon as that one thing - a smile, a look, a comment, a remark, a kiss, anything - happens again; and then the whole process starts over although at a magnitude harder to ignore; harder to forget; harder to reason.

LOVE .... so hard to explain....so mysterious..magical...

NOTE : inspired by another blog and a movie I recently saw.

Dreams, Day-dreams and Reality

Since childhood, I've had a variety of goals to be achieved. Some forgotten, some modified, some discarded for the better....but eventually if I were to create a pile of what I all I've wanted to do or aspired to be, it would be as tall as the Eiffel Tower.

And even today, I dream...dream a lot about what will become of me sometime in future. The future seems bright, silent, peaceful....My dreams seem vague to some. Some feel that it is a symptom of the lost confidence in me. Some feel that its way below my potential;but for me,it is still my dream. In the course of time, the dream might undergo some amendments, but I'll always have a dream.

Surprisingly, no where in future do I aspire to be a millionaire, but all I expect is professional peace. Is that too much to ask? Is it a childish dream? Is it denying the reality? Will it always remain a dream?

Many of my friends have chosen to change their dreams, and by change I mean completely change. They have come up with an entirely new perspective of their future. They call it maturity.

Is it? Does maturity come with sacrifices? Is the price of maturity to lose the faith in dreams? Some defend it with vague excuses; excuses that aren't even enough to silent their minds. Some just finally decide to give up their fight against the so called "FATE/LUCK/DESTINY".

Whatever it maybe, I hope I can stick on to my dreams and thoughts till the end of life and achieve most of them. I wish the same for my friends, even if it comes at the heavy price of being called "immature"....

NOTE: Inspired by a friend's blog...

HUMAN PSYCHOLOGY

STATUTORY WARNING : This article is not meant for those with short attention span cause this spans a lot of issues some so deep in the article that I myself have lost count. So all the best for the few readers who shall read this article.

WARNING (part II) : This was written as when thoughts surfaced so please ignore the randomness of the various parts and paragraphs.

Yesterday I had a four hour long chat with a long lost friend; I don’t exactly know why I mention this but something in that discussion led to a chain of thoughts that is the foundation of this article.

Last year, in April, I sat for the most important exam of my life, JEE. Eventually, I landed up in this institute IIT Guwahati with my dream subject, COMPUTER SCIENCE. Sitting outside, preparing day and night to come to this institute, I had thought a lot about how this place would look like from the inside. I had always imagined it to be a place rarely found, a place where the thinkers reside, a place where there’s no restriction on thinking, a place that, in short, stimulates dead neurons to life and create miracles. I thought it as a place where everything was secondary to learning. But I sit here disappointed. Were my expectations too much to ask for? But is this the real question????

Confused.....so am I! Let me try to be clearer. These days all my thoughts about IIT-G and course structure revolves around my concern over my grades. So should this one. When I arrived here, I had it all planned up. How I would learn all there’s is to computers and try something new in due course of time. But my ideas and plans were all vaporised once I spent a few weeks here. Completely deviated from my path, I forgot my long term goal and even though I could do better, ruined my grades. I blame my seniors for this. For teaching me to ignore studies, teaching me to disrespect the value of learning, disrespecting my own vision.
But now comes the true question.... Are they really to be blamed? Yes, I do remember being woken up at odd times to do some of their stupid tasks; I remember being abused at for not doing their work properly; I remember myself planning excuses lest shall encounter someone on my way. But now as the haze lifts off from the unclear past, I ask myself: was it not me who wasted time sleeping 10 hours when he could have studied? Was it not me who spent hours discussing with friends what assholes are our seniors? Was it not me thinking over how I would like to kill the seniors who had just abused me and thinking over it until I had spent hours on it?
So are they really to be blamed? Next is the adaptation issue... or is it? Did the pathetic food in mess and memories of home actually hinder my studies? Or was it just another excuse?
This brings me to my concern: We all at some phases of life hold someone else responsible for ruining how we had planned it, but in this effort to save our ego, we create a hypothetical memory of the incident ourselves. We remember else’s fault more clearly than our own. We cover up our faults in our narration to others. And that’s precisely what I did until a few days ago. Now I take up the responsibility, not of my future (as atheists are generally expected to say), but of my past. I accept that it was more of my fault than theirs. I accept that I could have countered each of their moves and kept myself on the track. I could have out-spoken them and still not created a hostile environment.
But why do we do this? In my opinion, brain is nothing but a super-advanced computer. Nature, in the form of brain laughs at us as it shows that it is ages ahead (not behind-as we would want to think) of us. Brain is a living computer with electric signals being transmitted by neurons, where sodium and potassium play the role of silicon and copper wires. Still not convinced? Let’s see, what’s the basic purpose of computers? To solve problems and so is that of brain. Each thing in life is a set of problems, from the point of getting up from bed to going back to walking to speaking to learning to thinking. All these can eventually be broken into some basic problems, and eventually the brain has programs to solve them (we just don’t know the algorithm completely otherwise Artificial Intelligence wouldn’t have been a distant vision).
Why would a computer try to excuse itself? Why would it try to not accept its mistake? How does that actually help? Psychology says that it’s our nature to protect our ego, but I ask why? At what loss are we if we do accept that we too can commit mistakes, mistakes so grand that we might have to regret them all our life? These questions trouble me. Why can’t I sit and write this very article happily despite knowing I was the one responsible for what I’ve ruined? Why does this realisation have to be such a burden, such a pain? Why?
Consider a computer.... never commits a calculation error, does it? None. So many would now be happy to claim that brain is not a computer after all. I disagree again. In life, there’s no perfect answer. Brain does some calculation on the basis of its inputs and prior knowledge and decides a step which it seems best (which probably is based on probability). So why does it go wrong (wrong here doesn’t imply incorrect but a decision which is not actually the best)? I probably think it is based on incorrect inputs or pool of incorrect knowledge.
This possibly explains some of my mistakes. The pool of knowledge, in case of living entity, should also include its own behaviour (which in itself is a huge topic to discuss). And here I fail desperately. I’m probably the most gullible person on this earth. And that could be the basis of all this trouble I’m facing now....
I guess I’ve eaten up a lot of my readers’ head without much productive coming out of this article. So I shall conclude.

PS : in the line where i blame my credulity, I’ve again made an attempt to cover some of my flaws, though not intentionally. This brain is a tough thing to understand.