That ONE decision

There are times when you regret some decisions; decisions that were important not just in your life, but to many more. You wish to say something, do something to undo what has been done; to undo the damage caused. All you hope for is that those hurt by the decision will forgive you; forgive you for making the choice. Some decisions can't be undone, sometimes talking about them only makes things worse and any attempt to make things better could only worsen the situation. All you can wish for is to travel back in time and change just "that one" moment of your life; to be able to make things better, maybe not perfect, but definitely better.

The thought of that one decision gone wrong can ruin a lot. It can choke your capability of making any more decisions; decisions that are similar and affect not just you but some others. Quoting a friend of mine, " A little doubt is good, it helps you make better analysed decisions; but too much of it just ruins it". Everytime you come close to making some choice, you are haunted by the memories of that 'one' wrong choice.

The toughest part is that you can't even "ask" for forgiveness. Not because you are afraid to find yourself indicted; but the fact that bringing up the topic could make the other person re-live some of the painful moments, make him regret his own decision of thinking that you were at fault. You are reluctant since discussing it with the person would just lead to the transfer of this intolerable guilt and that is not a comforting option either.

At such times, all you CAN do is hope that you are forgiven. Only if there was a way to forget it all, only if you could just not ponder over it again. You hope that the other person would know the other side of the story someday; someday when it no longer means anything to him, someday when the impact of the revelation wouldn't at all be significant, someday when the person is done with all the musing over the topic. But until then, all you do is wait for that day, and hope against hope that you, above all, will forgive yourself.

Magical LOVE

Quoting a man wiser than me :

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. ........"

To a man who always thought that the brain is the most important part of the body, these lines somehow bring forth the problem behind *Love*. It beats all sense; all understanding and yet it is something everyone wants to experience.

Something as simple as a smile, a look, a comment, a remark; just about anything which should otherwise not even be discussed, can suddenly change the way one perceives the world. Just one single undefined response from the body, the unexplained surge of chemicals can lead to ecstasy, a feeling like no another. A feeling that blocks out all cognition; that slows down the brain and you can feel the blood rushing to another part of the body; the HEART. Suddenly, you can feel your heart; pumping against your chest as if struggling not to be torn apart by all the blood inside; the chest struggling to keep it inside.

And it would be less sinful if it would just end there; the feeling persists, although not strongly enough, but feeble enough to make you crave for more. All your mental resources are occupied; occupied by a thought you can't mold into words, but occupied all the same. And its not just the waking hours that are affected, the sleep to is infected by the thought in the form of dreams. And as if the dreams' purpose was not just to keep fresh in your mind the feeling and leave you aching for more, but it is also shrewd enough to making you accept that you want more of the dream itself, which those with medical backgrounds can understand is, in itself, disastrous.

And when, at some rare occasions, you do succeed in intervening the enigmatic set of emotions and attempt to introduce reason; things get worse, as now your conscious mind makes sure that the feeling is not simply forgotten. On those even rarer occasions when you win the battle over the unexplainable by sense and logic, it is all ruined as soon as that one thing - a smile, a look, a comment, a remark, a kiss, anything - happens again; and then the whole process starts over although at a magnitude harder to ignore; harder to forget; harder to reason.

LOVE .... so hard to explain....so mysterious..magical...

NOTE : inspired by another blog and a movie I recently saw.

To my FRIENDS

As highlighted in most of my blogposts, I guess the biggest struggle in my life has been that to crack THE JEE-09. But here, I don't want to whine over the fact that I'vent achieved anything noteworthy since then, but try to explore the cause behind it (which I think I've found)

I attribute my success in that struggle primarily to my teachers. But not far behind in the percentage contribution are my friends. Through them I didn't just learn and understand the course and subjects but far more important things. Their qualities span beyond the things that can be gauged by numbers. To name a few of those qualities, optimism, dedication, inspiration, ability to prioritize and many more. And I'd say that among all my friend, there was at least one of them and there was none with all of them. But we together complemented each other. As they say, "Together we stood tall"

But then came the time when we were separated to tread along a path of choice, but without the company of choice. On the day of separation, promises were made to stick together and stay in touch and *being there*. But as usual, promises are meant to be broken.

Now I see, distantly, all of us separated. And its impact is bad.....

For me, apparently the various qualities of each one of them that helped me over the hill then, is now lost. There are times, when I know what it is I need, but dare not say to others around me fearing mockery. But this brings me back those memories of the days when I could say it to any of my friends without fear or hesitation. Now, the distance seems to have crept in. And now the social networking sites and phones seem inadequate. Nothing can match the face-to-face talk.

I don't know what to write to explain how I feel. But this is what keeps coming to the surface :

Unexplainably, we feed off each other's energy, success, happiness. How-much-ever separated we are, this is something that will remain true. We still compare with each other, and hence anyone's failure or unhappiness, will prevent each one of us to move forward. It gives me immense pain to see some of my friends giving up because that gives me reason to even consider that option. I used to love the determination in each one of your attitude. And I know I need to see it again to keep me going. So here's what I request each one of my friends (those I want to refer to here know it, in case someone is in doubt, just send me a personal message and I'll tell if you are on the list):-
Lets keep our spirits high, and though we are separated...lets still be the source of energy and motivation for each other. If not for your sake, then for others part of the group, I request you to never give up. The only thing I would like you to give up is the *thought that giving up is an option*


NOTE : This post may seem weird and out of context, but I write this in an unexplainable mental state. So please don't ask me why I wrote this.

Loneliness

At times your heart aches and you know not what to do. At such times all you seek are reassuring faces, support and absence of loneliness.

Rarely do I hate loneliness. For me its very important, but when your mind stops working and all you do is think from your heart.... Loneliness can be a curse...

You expect friends to come forward to help, to say words that uplift your spirit. You expect them to come forward and hug you...as that, in an unexplainable way, makes the heart feel light as if the burden had been shared among the two hearts that came together...


PS: I don't know what I'm saying here; just a random flow of thoughts.

Peace

For some it is in silences, some seek it in music. For some it comes with accomplishment, while for some its just the work done, irrespective of the outcome. Some find it in a gathering of friends, while some need loneliness. Some attain it only after their life, while other devote their life to achieve it.

Some seek it within themselves while others go around the world establishing it.

Whatever it is, its absence causes turmoil and its presence ..... well I can't think of any word but *PEACE* itself.....