Marks, numbers and symbols

It is shocking that humans, supposedly the smartest creatures on the earth, can be moved (either way) by things as insignificant as numbers. What are numbers, a set of symbols; but these symbols can at times hold within them fate of an entire civilization. Numbers, something created by humans, are something that is used to understand everything in this world; be it a 1 micrometer wide cell or a period of a year or distance of 1 lightyear.

Well that's not the numbers I want to talk about in this post. This post started with an attempt to get my head clear of the 'symbol' that has been bothering me, for over 12 hours now. Yes, I'm referring to my marks. Its strange how a symbol, an asterisk (*) in my case, can spin my head as if I was held at gun-point by a rogue monkey, and I'd never know what he wants. The feelings is killing me, and I've no way of evading it except trying to let this blog act as an outlet, yet again.

This post is not for the readers (primarily). But for myself. An attempt to rationalize my thoughts; attempt to see that its just a symbol, just a number that is missing there (which is yet another symbol). But whatever be said or done henceforth, the symbol * (asterisk) now has a new meaning for me. An entire new memory linked to it; a period of fear, of hope, of denial, of expectation.

When I began writing this post, I felt it'd be better if I had lived back in the days when there were no such symbols, no significance given to numbers; a period when numbers did not exist. But now, as I come to close this, I realize that numbers are everywhere. Maybe something I need not worry about them, because I will come across enough of them. Although, none of them will me something I can call mine as in 'MY NUMBER (marks in this case)', but still, they are all just numbers eventually; all the same. This entire world is nothing but NUMBERS, but it is not about the numbers. Its all about seeing through the numbers, and that's what each one of us should try to do. Behind each emotion, each feeling, each thought, each gesture lies some number, something that science has yet not captured, but a number lies behind it all the same. And not speaking of just human thoughts and feeling, look around; is there anything that can't be captured by a set of numbers, is there anything at all. Even these letters that convey a message are nothing but numbers, a set of numbers assembled so as to create something like this.

Well, I won't bother the readers any more explaining how numbers is all around them (an episode of NUMB3R5 would be suggested in case you wanna know more about the uses). I'd end here, stating once again, "See through the numbers, and then an entire WORLD begins to emerge".

PS : As mentioned in the post, this began with an attempt to quieten my mind, using the 'OUTLET' as that of my mind. Apologies for the random flow of thoughts.

Strange feelings

Life is funny. Funny how throughout your life all you care about is yourself, all you think about is yourself, its always about "YOU"; but then one day it all changes. You don't want it to be that way any more. You WANT to think and care about someone else, and not even expect the same in return.

How all your grief vanishes just by that one person's smile or laugh? How all your achievements, happiness seems pointless if it cannot make that ONE smile? And how all of this happens SO suddenly, that you can't help but wonder, "When the transition actually took place?" But no answer can be found.

Though somewhere, as with any good will, there's hope of recognition yet there's barely any attempt to do so. It even seems acceptable to be a guardian angel, a distant protector; watching over, trying to make sure no harm befalls her. It seems a matter of privilege to be able to offer your shoulder for crying although you hope that doesn't happen often; or rather it never happens.

Truly, life and human behaviour is all so strange; so unpredictable; and probably these are the things that make life worth living.

Life : That's the way it is

Everything in life comes at a price; be it materialistic gains or mental peace, everything demands something in return. No one should ever expect to get anything out of life without putting in something from their own side. Success in general demands you to work day and night, work with nothing else in mind. Success, is like a mistress that needs to be pleased before it accepts to walk along with you. And to keep it that way, you need to show your admiration, adoration and appreciation for her at all times. Falter once, and you lose all that has been gained; it is harder to please an angry woman than to make her fall in love with you for the first time. And the same is true with success.

Readers here might be wondering why I draw this "preposterous" analogy so here is my excuse : "The two characters compared are currently the only things in my mind, making it harder for me to choose the 'mistress' I want to secure first."

Fighting authority

Very often in life one comes across a point when to eradicate the cause of his persistent unhappiness, one must confront the authority, the same authority responsible for making life better, simpler, enjoyable for him.

The one with power is expected to guide those without it. But what happens when that ONE loses his path, forgets his purpose and finds another one? What happens when that very person supposed to help them becomes the one they need to be helped against? What happens if he turns a blind eye to all the anguish rising among those beneath? But is there anything that can be done against it?

No one from the masses comes forward for the fear of abandonment. Those who rise alone are crushed. Worse is what happens with those who try to inspire. The powerful never touches the strong, but breaks the weak, and arouses further fear among those left, causing distrust in the one who led them all against authority. How does one expect to fight an Injustice in such a world, where one's own ego is everything to him; not even other's tears can move him.

No wonder those who have stood against any supremacy till date have been immortalized by constant references to them in historical symbols. I guess, to throw over the authority, at least ONE man needs to be prepared to sacrifice all he has; sometimes even his life.

NOTE : Inspired by a personal experience of brutality by a powerful person.

A Listener

At times I feel that I've been through a lot; when all the explanation and methods to motivate oneself fails; times when looking at those suffering even more doesn't help you think that you are better off; times when all I want to do is talk, talk my heart out.

At such times, all I seek is a "listener". Someone who would listen; listen to all that I have to say but not judge, not comment, not reason, not explain, not console, not argue ; but just listen and from time-to-time just nod or make a sign to show that there is still someone listening to me.

If only there was such a listener, I'd talk; talk about anything and everything in this world, in my life and in everyone else's life. From the big-bang theory to doomsday, from string theory to rocket science, from Genetics to Psychology to Computer Science, from friends to parents, from my heart to brain, my past to aspirations, from success to my regrets, from sense to non-sense; just about anything.

I don't know if that will help, but such moments are rare but definitely not short-lived. And when significant time has passed without such a listener, the desire seems to fade out, as if on losing hope to ever finding such a listener.

At some stages of this feeling, I wonder how easy it would be to get high; how good an excuse it would be to just let out your emotions and not be taken seriously; how good an excuse to just laugh, or cry, or scream, or shout. But what separates me from attaining it is just one simple promise, a promise to no-one else but myself, and that makes it harder.